Adultery/Affair in Marriage or in a |
Creation Date: 4-Sep-2015 |
Committed Relationship |
Last updated: 21-Nov-2023 |
(Stop, God's Love, Restitution, Restoration, Blessing) | |
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Jesus Christ demonstrated extreme Grace and Mercy in forgiveness to the woman with five husbands, John 4:16-18, while living in adultery, and also to Tax Collectors. God loves all people who repent and make restitution. The only events that Jesus Christ did not demonstrate His ability to forgive was with the specific Priests of the Temple whom were destined to the separation from God as they were hypocritically representing God to the people.
John 4:16-18 | 16 Jesus told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.” 17 “I have no husband,” the woman replied. Jesus said to her, “You are correct to say that you have no husband. 18 In fact, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. You have spoken truthfully.” |
Matthew 23:13 | “But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in. |
The first thing to know is God does forgive Adultery and every sin that mankind commits. This topic is about: consequences, actions, restitution, forgiveness, stopping it from ever happening or reoccurring along with getting a blessing. When all of us do wrong in our life, there is always God's Grace and Mercy, so never doubt God's love and desire for all of us to live in greater and greater righteousness through the guidance of the Holy Spirit because of our having Jesus Christ as our Savior.
Stages of Adultery
There are several great Internet help sites that describe the different stages of Adultery. This author has the following three stage summary which includes information from the "do adulterer's feel remorse?" section on Divorce Recovery topic:
Stage 1 - The Connection Made
Stage 2 - Continuing, Stopping, Confessing or Exposure - the Four Results
Stage 3 - Lives Changed Forever
Blaming Physiology There are many popular websites, with videos, that claim adultery is
the result of heredity in DNA programming. Supposedly, if one or
both of a person's parents were/are adulterers then offspring are DNA
programmed to have the strong inclination. Our physiology
heredity, is absolutely important to determine vulnerabilities of heart
disease, cancer, alcoholism and others diseases, but not emotional
decision making. The correct understanding is There is sometimes the observation of offspring acting sinfully and suffering in the same ways as their parents in many sinful areas, which some Christians can incorrectly state the sin is a generational curse. Correctly, Fallen Angels and Demons will move to oppress and possess the next generation of a family where they are sometimes successful, and our own sinful natures can give into temptations without any Satanic influence. With exception of psychological disorders:
The problem with the studies on DNA programming determines a person's possibility of adultery, besides no biological proof, is the statistical study group is flawed. Human-beings have a natural tendency to not divulge wrong doings like adultery. Those who divulge are often in a category that skew the results because their actions are also known by their offspring that does create an influence to experiment and condone adultery to understand why their parent committed adultery on the other parent which the offspring loves. |
Confession is Required, but Not to the Spouse
If you are an Adulterer who is truly sorry and has stopped with the attention to never be an Adulterer again, then DO NOT CONFESS Adultery to your Spouse, which will be explained further down in this topic and involves an accountability peer friend or group. This author first heard this admonition perhaps in 1990s when listening to a ministry on a topic about marriage on the radio, the Pastor emphatically stated never to dump that burden on the spouse. When adultery happens, there is absolutely more damage and hurt that can be done to the spouse, entire family and even friendships.
Everyone knows what adultery means in a physical sense, but it is more than that, as adultery in God's truth is breaking a covenant relationship in a marriage or in a committed relationship! This is explained in the section below entitled "Clarifications"
Six very important introductory points for the adulterer
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It is necessary to explain that God sees commitments in a relationship with a man and woman inside of marriage and outside of marriage as a bond.
In the Old Testament, read in Joshua 9 where Israel is tricked into a peace treaty with the Gibeon tribe, which God had instructed to wipe out, but God had Joshua keep the agreement since it was made.
To make this topic clearer in understanding by the reader,
It almost goes without stating that people have had monogamous relationships throughout time without marriage and these types of relationships suffer the same problems, hurts and spiritual needs as those in marriage. In some parts of the world and throughout history, marriage was the same as the term "Given to one another" or "Committed to one another".
Adultery can be sexually physical or emotionally commutative without sexual contact.
Six steps to take after or during adultery
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It is very sad, as discussed in books on adultery and this author's observations, that adulterers will hold on to items of the adulterous relationship, as pointed out in step #6, when the relationship is over. This author is reemphasizing the importance of eliminating this stronghold in a person's emotional memories and also the satanic spiritual connection. To understand everyone's potential connections, consider conversely that people can have a great love of their life, which was lost, that even if 60 years goes by without seeing the person, yet the person's mind never releases the memories and love.
Adulterous relationships, always begin with many emotions such as intrigue, curiosity, selfishness, narcissism, emotional support to leave a relationship, desire to get a better spouse and/or lust. All of the emotions that caused adultery might eventually turn into love but these emotions are absolutely not a way to start a new relationship as God never intended a relationship to be started from adultery which has removed God's involvement and blessings. Adulterers must remove the Satanic physical and Satanic spiritual links involved in an adulterous relationship. When the adulterer gets past all positive feelings for the person, they had adulterous relationship, then the next step for the repentant Christian's various emotions will often consists of embarrassment, uncleanness, loathing and even disgust for their actions.
People, who get to the end of their lives, will often have very deep and profound regrets for the selfishness of their lives and especially for Adultery. This author remembers a man, Salty, who at 79 years old confessed in a letter to his wife Thelma, of over 55 years in marriage, that he had an affair in his early twenties, when Salty was a professional baseball player. The letter stated that Salty could no longer hold the burden of not confessing to the woman whom he loved more than life. Though the event happened 55 years prior, I saw Thelma suffer greatly which I think was eventually the cause of her death that occurred not too much later.
Adulterers Need to Recognize Aspects About ThemselvesResearch of adulterers by Therapists, show that most adulterers would be committing adultery because that is in their nature:
[NOTE: Adultery is never an accident where the beginning participation in it requires a person to ignore moral principles in our contentiousness that God designed us to all have that is often called a "moral compass". Desensitization occurs after participation in adultery that will change a person's natural ability to avoid adultery followed by diminishing judgment against oneself as that requires making oneself painfully accountable which human nature cannot sustain. The result is committing adultery over and over again becomes easier to commit without restraint and resentment against ourselves and the other adulterer. In most cases for a woman adulterer, continuous participation will have the woman adulterer blame their victim male spouse for their sin.]
Becoming closer to God for assistance can make a change in the Adulterer's thinking where this takes an understanding of the sinful severity and the horrible consequences.
Adulterers may claim that the adulterous relationship started off as friendship that led to something more, but there was a point when the adulterer knew they were doing something very wrong and they had become desensitized to the sin. We all face temptations that can be very grievous and there are those who do not fall into the temptation. The key part that Christian Councilors have found that what is missing in the adulterer is a worshiping and respectful fear of God which stops others from committing adultery.
God has engrained into our consciousness, without even a scriptural understanding, specific sins that we should never do such as murder, cruelty to children and adultery. Scriptures absolutely are reinforcing the commandment to not do these specific types of sins, therefore a Christian cannot claim that they did not know that adultery is wrong. Arguably, adulterers can claim that committing adultery is not in their nature but the fact that they did it proves to the contrary. This is not meant to be judgmental or condemning, but the adulterer needs to first recognize they had it in them. This is necessary to move forward in healing and is similar to approach used in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Principles of AA, on stopping addictions, are applicable to stopping adultery and are discussed in more detail later in this topic.
It is amazing how often it is seen where Awesome Men and Women (AMW), who are/were married to someone who can be described as a Lucky Spouse (LS) to have the LS goes off and has affairs on the AMW. Adulterers sometimes will make statements, after their adultery ended, that the adultery had nothing to do with their spouse. Furthermore, adulterers will often additionally make statements that they wish there was a way to go back in time to stop themselves from doing it. If an adulterer is being honest with themselves, they realize that once the adultery began it was hard to stop with many wrongful rationalizations.
Most adulterers should consider counseling to help them because the participation in adultery has exposed a greater problem besides the sinful act of adultery. Research has shown that many adulterers often have one or more of the following
As stated above, the primarily deterrent, for not committing adultery, is having a relationship with God that leads to a worshiping and respectful fear of God! God is a God of Mercy and Grace where adultery will still have consequences with different degrees because of Mercy, when the adulterer repents, seeks forgiveness from God and makes restitution. (Restitution discussed more later in this topic.)
A few research studies have been done on felons in penitentiaries, who were sent there for various types of crimes. When interviewed in a study that hides the real purpose of the interview, most inmates come up with some very elaborate rationalizations to exonerate partially or fully their criminal actions in the past. The inmates, who take full responsibility for their actions, are the people who are often found to be redeemable and the best for rehabilitation after being released. Research has shown that the adulterer:
Proverbs 1:24-29 | 24 But since you refuse to listen when I call and no one pays attention when I stretch out my hand, 25 since you disregard all my advice and do not accept my rebuke, 26 I in turn will laugh when disaster strikes you; I will mock when calamity overtakes you— 27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. 28 “Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me, 29 since they hated knowledge and did not choose to fear the Lord. 30 Since they would not accept my advice and spurned my rebuke, |
Isaiah 47:10 | For thou hast trusted in thy wickedness; thou hast said, None seeth me; thy wisdom and thy knowledge, it hath perverted thee, and thou hast said in thy heart, I am, and there is none else besides me. |
Regarding recognizing aspects about themselves, the adulterer should also remember the full impact of Matthew 25:40. Additionally, the adulterer needs to know that adultery is first a sin against God, God is not mocked and the adulterer will reap a negative harvest from the adultery.
Matthew 25:40 | “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ |
Galatians 6:7 | Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. |
We all need to recognize adultery is very common and there are many people looking for help. This section is about statistics, possible reasons and other information dealing with marriage infidelity. Having statistics about unmarried people cheating on relationships is an impossible statistic to estimate, but on married people it is possible to make a general theoretical estimate given below after the gold highlighted information.
In doing research on this topic, one of the books written in the 1980s, with collaboration from other qualified sources, gave the following potential estimations and key points regarding affairs and key points regarding affairs are
This author has had some correspondence stating the percentages of adultery seem to be too high, but the best sources were based on the lifetime of a married person, that can be married more than once, where adultery is a great deal more common than people realize. It is interesting when researching about adultery information in other parts of the world, there are countries like the United Kingdom, that have a term called "secret garden", to refer to adultery (perhaps based on Erica James book "A Secret Garden Affair") that is somehow permissible as long as it is kept secret. The French have an undeserved reputation about sexual relationships outside of marriage, because of the stereotype portrayals in movies and their political leaders. The Italians also have an undeserved reputation based on tourism exposure to popular areas where women unescorted by a man, may be a target of flirtation. This author has been recreational travelling the world for over twenty years now where great friendships have been made with the exposure of different cultures, that leads me to state adultery has no geographical limitations. Perhaps the exception has been the Middle East culture and exposure to the country of the United Arab Emirates that has very punitive consequences for adultery that most likely leads to lower occurrences. Therefore, based on data from great sources in the year of 1985, in the United States, and in major cities:
The disturbing realization that comes with the estimated statistics above regarding the 55% of men and 70% of women means there are adulterers who are not average and may have numerous adulterous relationships. Additionally, with the higher influence of acceptance of adultery and casual sex in advertising, print media, Internet sites, TV shows and movies, the statistics from the 1980s are most likely low compared to a higher estimated percentage of today. Some additional information dealing with these statistics and insights into affairs:
A Pastor once told this author that "Some sins should never be done once because if you do them once then a million times will never be enough." Romans 1:28 reinforces this comment by the Pastor which many may feel is too stringent; but, note that counselors have reported that adulterers always knew that the first time they committed adultery was wrong but after that it was always rationalized away to allow them to continue. It this author's opinion, when the first adulterous sexual encounter happens, it is also similar to the experience of Adam and Eve when they bit into the forbidden fruit, which opened their eyes to good and evil. Both Adam and Eve then had to deal with the change that was made because of their actions that removed their previous innocence.
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It is this author's opinion, using the scriptures as
validation, that the primary scriptural penalties and consequences of adultery
administrated by God will be directed towards the adulterous man, which by no
means exonerates the adulterous woman. The reason is God gave men greater
capacity to have logic prevail in decisions and being able to realize the
unforeseen damage that will be done.
In the Fall of Adam and Eve, the scriptures of Genesis 3:13 and 1st Timothy 2:14, reflect that Adam was not deceived. A theory, by this author, is that one of the penalties that all women share as part of the Fall, is women are vulnerable to being emotionally manipulated and deceived more easily than men. Men have their own set of penalties such as dealing lust of all kinds, where a man has to ignore innate given logic on knowing adultery is wrong,. A woman can enter into adultery thinking, while still ignoring knowledge it is wrong just like Eve thought about the forbidden fruit, that there was something being withheld that the woman should be allowed to have and experience. God gave women far superior use of emotional connecting thought processes that unfortunately can overrule decisions that are known to be logically wrong. Women have a natural ability to nurture children, a husband and the elderly in ways that men have to learn. Women are also more naturally gifted by God to appreciate and enjoy emotional connections without much of a catalyst and even being taught. Women's feelings for a man, that is not her husband, can have the woman emotionally deciding that intimacy should happen because of the nurturing innateness she posses combined with sexual desires. Men do have emotional connections in life that are primarily developed and gained by development of their relationships with others that is experiential. As commonly observed, little girls enjoy playing games with dolls that are in family units, and little boys enjoy action oriented toys that has nothing to do with family and relationships. Therefore the overwhelming culpability is set on the adulterous man who will have to ignore, overrule, and disregard all the natural innate ability for men to logically understand that committing adultery is an extremely sinfully evil. Notice in the scriptures that the penalties for an adulterous man are more painfully stringent. |
Here are two Scriptures, of a longer list, that the adulterer needs to comprehend and be warned of very punitive consequences.
Proverbs 5:1-6 (Woman) |
1 My son, pay attention to my wisdom, turn your ear to my words of insight, 2 that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. 3 For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; 4 but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. 5 Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. 6 She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. |
Proverbs 6:26-32 (Man) |
26 For on account of a harlot a man is brought to a piece of bread; And the adulteress hunteth for the precious life. 27 Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? 28 Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? 29 So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished. 30 People do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his hunger when he is starving. 31 Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him all the wealth of his house. 32 But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself. |
Notice the pay sevenfold, which reinforces God's requirement for restitution.
There is unfortunately, not strong enough teaching in the Church today about the consequences of adultery which most likely would stop adultery before it happens or get those involved in adultery to stop. This is a lack of teaching in Church where it is the fault of Pastors who are often afraid of teaching anything that might offend and call into accountability anyone with the fear of losing tithes, donations and volunteers. All of us need to understand the many areas of why Christians will experience suffering and adultery has some very hard consequences. Remember that Christ gave us His Word on benefits of living righteously and following Him in Matthew 11:29 which is why repenting of adultery (and making restitution) is so important!
Matthew 11:29 | Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. |
The adulterer, who is a Christian, needs to comprehend the significance and truth in these seven areas listed.
Scriptural consequences and empirical observation seen in the aftermath of all
adulterers' lives, shows that there will be future combinations, that can be up
to sevenfold in punishment in relation to the pleasures of adultery, of the
following but not limited to areas listed below, because of adultery.
This does not necessarily mean every single item in
the list below.
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The adulterer, who is a Christian, will recognize patterns of how God uses circumstances to administer loving teaching of negative consequences that match how the adulterers operated in their deceptions, actions and pain caused to others. This will do many positive things for the Christian adulterer such as:
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The ultimate goal for all of us, who are all sinners, is to be in Heaven and have the inheritance God desires for us to have there!
Hebrews 12:7-13 |
7 It is for chastening that ye endure; God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father chasteneth not? 8 But if ye are without chastening, whereof all have been made partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. 9 Furthermore, we had the fathers of our flesh to chasten us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? 10 For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed good to them; but he for our profit, that we may be partakers of his holiness. 11 All chastening seemeth for the present to be not joyous but grievous; yet afterward it yieldeth peaceable fruit unto them that have been exercised thereby, even the fruit of righteousness. 12 Wherefore lift up the hands that hang down, and the palsied knees; 13 and make straight paths for your feet, that that which is lame be not turned out of the way, but rather be healed. |
A very well-known Christian prayer is "Let not the tough and painful lessons that we endure be wasted and forgotten." As mentioned, many times in this topic, we all thank God for Grace and Mercy, and if you are a Christian with the knowledge of the examples like King David's consequences of adultery, how can you insist that there will be no consequences for oneself because of adultery?
This author has had the blessing of helping victims and also adulterers in counseling, understanding God's loves for them, forgiving, restitution and moving on.
It has to be noted that this author has heard way too many times about adulterers, when ending a relationship, will find additional ways to say and do things to hurt their victim spouse. If you have done this, then the section on restitution is especially important for you to consider and act upon.
Note that victims often are also guilty of seeking revenge, where no matter the circumstances, it must not be done against the adulterer as this is God's area of handling judgment and consequences.
Matthew 7:12 | “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. (This is often called the Golden Rule. Do unto others that you would have done unto you.) |
Proverbs 18:21 | Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. |
1 Peter 3:9 | Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. |
Romans 12:19 | Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” |
Hebrews 10:30-31 | 30 For we know him that hath said, Vengeance belongeth unto me, I will recompense, saith the Lord. And again, The Lord shall judge his people. 31 It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. |
This section of the Adultery topic is dealing with the restitution where too often in the Christian community, adultery is dismissed as simply needing to be stopped and confessed to God for forgiveness. While confession to God is the first step there is more to deal with adultery because of the far-reaching consequences that adultery sets into motion. Read this entire section to understand the principles that are different for every adulterous situation. An "adultery consequences to others" analogy is partially like someone mischievously causing a dam to fail, which then causes a great deal of water to destroy homes and have people drown downstream. The person who destroyed the dam confesses the mistake, where the person is forgiven, but because of forgiveness and maybe even jail time, this person believes everything is now made good. This is not the case because of the dam breaking, there will be people helping to clean up the mess, makes repairs, replace destroyed homes and assist the families who lost loved ones. The person who destroyed the dam needs to do more than just confess and feel sorry from a Christian perspective. All of our sins are covered under the Cross, so that we can have entrance into heaven. We all should know that God never meant the Cross to be a license to be sinful without consequences and being part of solutions to help others. There are actions to be taken to repair lives, make restitution which is required if possible. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) has the very well-known 12 Step Program to getting sobriety that also applies to others areas, such as adultery. Many of these steps should be consider by the adulterer, but there is distinct difference when applying some of the principles and actions. The adulterer's actions are dependent upon:
Note that this author is NOT saying that restitution is required for forgiveness from God but that it is part of doing what is correct, worthy and scripturally correct. See James 2:17 along with the entirety of scriptures to understand that Faith without Works is dead and we all are Saved for a Godly Purpose. Listed above in this topic are the primary Six Steps that the adulterer must start and accomplish. Adulterers need to recognize that besides the sin of adultery and harm to others, they have opened a satanic spiritual door into their lives which makes them very acceptable to committing adultery again in the future and have also exposed their own members of the family to satanic influences through this type of sin. As an example, besides adultery there are three other entry types of sin, that can open a Satanic Stronghold, to the spiritual doors of our houses, are:
Many of us have noticed in some families, that they seem to have the same family weaknesses / bad traits passed down from generation to generation. This door opening to Satanic Influences is a form of Oppression or even Possession that is even sometimes incorrectly thought of as Generational Curses. The correct understanding is the Satanic Realm's entities are territorial where they prefer to inhabit and control an area. (See Daniel 11's "Prince of Greece" Reference which refers to a Satanic ruler in the spirit realm and Ephesians 6:12). In the AA program, there are two steps that should be part of the adulterer's actions after the Six Steps listed at the start of this topic. Note that this might require professional counseling or your pier group as discussed in Step 2 of the Six Steps for adulterers listed above. Consider these points when making restitution to all of the victims which can include more people than perceived. Obviously, the ideas that the adulterer thinks can be good for a restitution process are going to be involved in a very complex problem, which reinforces the point of the severity of what adultery does as a very harmful sin. When reading these points, the adulterer will need to ask the Holy Spirit to guide themselves so that no more harm will be caused. Recall from the points made in this topic, that this is done as restitution, healing, going forward in faith and to show yourself and others that you are changed.
Note that the restitution is up to seven times the damage, Proverbs 6:26-32, for the man who is an adulterer which the Scriptures indicates it can even mean the wealth of everything owned, which is very difficult to calculate and even attempt. For the repentant woman adulterer, the restitution is more difficult than the man's restitution in this author's opinion, where the scriptures do not give a restitution method. This author would state that the restitution for both a man and a woman is primarily to God, where volunteering with a worthy charity is a possible alternative and it is discussed shortly in this topic. Some may argue that since there are two people involved in the two families, then the restitution from both parties negates the action of each other's restitution. That is never true when looking at the details as the harm done is always unique and with different degrees of damage. In a hypothetical example about a person who steals something valuable from a neighbor, which cannot be returned, replaced or given insurance money, then even though the thief is arrested by the police with jail time, the victim has lost something of value that is gone forever. The thief, who is truly sorrowful, having spent time in jail, may believe the debt on the loss to the neighbor is paid for by jail time, but in reality the neighbor's loss was never fixed. This author has seen, God take on the debt owed to victims of adultery, and the methods were truly humbling and amazing. There seems to be never discussion about one aspect of God paying debts, as an adulterer has required God to pay the adulterer's debt, and the adulterer should recognize and love God more for forgiving adultery and paying debts to the victims caused by adultery. Three Restitution examples:
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Example 1: Volunteering at a family
crisis center or other forms of volunteering are great choices. Note that Family Crisis
Centers deal with many forms of problems from domestic violence, abandonment
to just needing help with a food bank/store which will help the adulterer with a
desensitized conscious dealing with adultery. Around the year 2000, this
author had a small contract to set up computer software at a Family Crisis
Center where after finishing, I spent two years sporadically volunteering* in
my free time because I saw the need. It was utterly astounding the evil that people are
capable of doing to one another, which the Family Crisis Center has to deal
with daily. Most of problems involved addictions but there were also the
cases of adultery, sexual violence and worse that led to abandonment of a family. (* Note: This author has never committed adultery and did the volunteering because it was a good thing to do.) |
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Example 2: In some cases, there can be a monetary restitution that should be considered. In a case that this author can discuss openly, the victim had a very successful computer consulting business, where he had to cut his client base down while trying to fix the marriage along with raising children. The financial loss, besides the emotional torment, was substantial. Eventually, divorce was required, which required giving one half of assets / finances to the adulterous wife, which is like a reward for evil done. Therefore, the summation of the amount of money plus emotional damage is owed by both the adulterous man and woman. In this case, the spouse and the adulterer in the other marriage, did not have the ability to make a financial restitution. Those who are not Christians may say that the Divorce Laws handle the problems equably, which is not true in God's view as this is why the scripture penalties are there as a deterrent and to attempt a fair restitution to victims. Consider a hypothetical situation of an adulterous spouse that is having sex with someone else for many years, ignoring the family, not having sex with the spouse. Should that adulterous spouse automatically get half of the wealth/assets of the family that was accumulated during the marriage (in a common person's divorce) when there is:
Rhetorically, where is the restitution to make up for that loss that the courts handle in these three very important areas? In the Old Testament Leviticus 20:10 stated that Adultery carried the death penalty but we now live in a new Dispensation by Romans 6:23 which many Biblical Scholars will quote as showing the removal the death penalty part as exemplified in John 8:1-30's adulterous woman passage. Note that in King David's life (2 Samuel 12:9-15), God forgave David of adultery and murder, which means the death penalty was not always in force even in the Old Testament times. Malachi 3:6 "“For I the LORD do not change; ...", which means God had Leviticus 20:10 as required but still forgivable, and King David showed he was truly sorrowful and repentant. King David was forgiven but he still had severe consequences which sometimes can be a punishment worse than death. In this example 2's case after the divorce, the children stayed with the victim husband, she spent the sizable assets all within four years and had many horrible things happen to her where she tried to get back her ex-husband many times with genuine humility, regret, love and desires. God ended up restoring the financial loss to the victim husband in the future, which does not exonerate the adultery restitution, in some type of way, of the other two people. Adulterers need to understand the cumulative
responsibilities repairing the broken lives of the two victims and
others if possible.
Proverbs 5:1-6 and Proverbs 6:20-35 (listed above),
amongst the warning and consequences, is
instructing the adulterer to make restitution if possible so that they will not
live unproductive lives for God. Unproductive is the point made in
Proverbs 5:6 and Proverbs 7:32. These two Proverbs points are
similar to the negative aspect of the
Foolish Virgins Parable and Parable of
Talents in the New Testament who were not prepared for the Master (Jesus Christ)
return. Adultery is a sin first against God then the spouse, children, extended
family, friends and even the well-being of places the victims work. |
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Example 3: No Restitution
required. This is from the scriptures in John 8:1-11 which is
commonly known as the adulterous woman passage. Jesus
forgave the woman which is
AWESOME. Note that we know the woman had already had
numerous bad ramifications already happen to her, which appears to be the case
since she was being persecuted by the
Pharisees in fear of death by stoning,
that could still happen after the encounter with Jesus Christ.
Many Christian Pastors say that this is an example scripture to show all that is required to remove any problems and consequences is to confess the adultery to God in Jesus Christ's name. This author does not believe that the adulterous woman passage is an all-encompassing solution for all cases. The woman of John 8:1-11's situation and the full details, with extent of her sinful deeds of adultery and punishments already endured are not known. She may have:
We all need to understand that God will show mercy and grace in different degrees to whom He desires (Romans 9:18), but God changes not (Malachi 3:6), so we all cannot simply think that grievous sins such as adultery will always be free of consequences. Remember that God forgave King David, but David still had consequences where is it safe to presume that when we commit adultery then there will be no consequences?
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Using the entirety of scriptures, God is not after penance, jail time or some sort of punishment but rather a change of heart followed by repenting with atonement if it is possible so that we will recognize the Love of God beyond our ability to measure. The sin of adultery is against God, spouse, children, parents and others. When all of us, that includes adulterers who repented and are living for Jesus Christ, then our faith will manifest itself with good works. When God is working through our lives, then we will be happier people! When we live for Jesus Christ, our lives will be rewarding in amazing ways!
As always Grace and Mercy are in effect, but God is wanting all of us to live accountable lives which means fixing/rectifying all kinds of sins in the past if possible. Consider the variety of scenarios that we all have most likely seen in adultery:
The important part is getting the adulterer right with God and He will lead the adulterer in repairing the broken lives, which might require a great deal of time. In AA, they tell their members that if restitution is not accepted, then still attempt to do what is possible and then move forward with living in sobriety. Note, as mentioned above, if there is a potential of violence or life threading situations involved because of revenge sought by a victim then chose another method such as volunteering to replace steps 8 and 9. There are some additional spiritual warning concerning Satanic Forces that will be coming into the adulterer's life because of the adultery, where they will try to deceive the adulterer in many areas concerning the adultery, such as (1) no one is hurt if they do not know; (2) your spouse should have recognized your needs that were not being met; (3) it was only once or a few times; (4) other people are doing it and your spouse will probably do it in the future where you just did it before the spouse did; (5) you don't even love that person and it was just sex; (6) God will never love you since you did this evil. Every one of these are lies and untrue. The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous that applies to adulterers also with some caveats:
If the adulterer feels like the comments, points and restitution are too harsh or stringent then there is definite need of Christian Counseling and a greater walk with Jesus Christ. It is amazing how so many of us have seen the consequences come onto adulterers in their future where unfortunately it is then that many (not all) adulterers finally realize their actions are not trivial or without a great deal of damage to others, when they are on the receiving end of evil done to them. It is important for the Adulterer to take the time to fix and make restitution to avoid God using a great deal worse consequence to get the adulterer's attention. |
As mentioned at the start of this topic, the adulterer has an opportunity to receive Blessings from God by:
Adultery is a very profound sin against God and others as explained in this topic, but it is covered under the Blood of the Cross where no matter the guilt felt along with any penalties with regrets, God absolutely still loves all of us. God saw and knew of everyone's sins at the foundation of the world. Nothing that the Satanic Forces do against the Christian will profit the Satanic Forces in the end when the Christian accepts any Suffering and considers all things worthy for the glory of God.
Philippians 3:8 | Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. |
If the adulterer's spouse does NOT know about the adultery, then the adultery MUST NOT BE CONFESSED TO THEM as pointed out above in step #3 in the "Six steps to take after or during adultery" section. The spouse of the adulterer should never be forced to bear the pain, guilt or have questions dealing with what the adulterer has done. If you are the adulterer, do not put that burden, pain and knowledge on your spouse by telling them what you have done! For most people who commit adultery, especially if they are a Christian and have the Holy Spirit dwelling in them as described in the scriptures, will eventually feel guilt for adultery. The initial feelings for the adulterer is the desire to be clean and forgiven. Confession is to God under the Blood of the Cross and to an accountability group, not the spouse. The adulterer wrongly thinks that the adultery can be fixed, wiped clean and forgiven by confessing to their spouse. Confessing to the victim spouse does many negative things which are chiefly and generally: 1. Confessing to the spouse, dumps the pain felt by the adulterer onto to the victim's spouse along with additional emotional pain such as being betrayed, abandonment and loss of attention to the family/children. The victim spouse will have no way to release this pain, except with a great amount of help from God. Sometimes this pain can be felt for the life of the spouse. The spouse can feel profoundly hurt, victimized, trespassed against, devalued, trust destroyed, anger, the inability to forgive the adulterer and have the need to always know where the adulterer is going. These are the primary emotions and the adulterer has magnified their own pain and guilt to be received and carried by their spouse while the adulterer no longer has to "carry" the burden. The conflict and emotional pains felt by the victim is like the following five analogies:
2. The adulterer thinks if they can get their spouse to say "I forgive you" then they will feel free from the guilt and the relationship will be healed. For some adulterers, asking for forgiveness and getting forgiveness by the spouse will actually clear their minds and give them freedom from the guilt. The common observation is it can also lead to future rationalizations that new affairs will be okay since it only requires asking for forgiveness; or, the adulterer becomes desensitized to adultery where is can be rationalized away as permissible. |
In the Politically Correct world there are those who have relationships and marriages that have agreements that allow sexual encounters with others besides their spouse. The question, often asked by many, is this allowed as look at the examples of people like King David and other Kings in the Scriptures who had concubines. Additionally, there was also situations such as the person Israel where he has children from maid servants, Bilhah and Zilpah, where the maid servants were considered a secondary wife that had rights, privileges and requirements. Some points to consider:
Deuteronomy 17:15-17 |
15 you shall surely set a king over you whom the Lord your God chooses; one from among your brethren you shall set as king over you; you may not set a foreigner over you, who is not your brother. 16 But he shall not multiply horses for himself, nor cause the people to return to Egypt to multiply horses, for the Lord has said to you, ‘You shall not return that way again.’ 17 Neither shall he multiply wives for himself, lest his heart turn away; nor shall he greatly multiply silver and gold for himself. |
Therefore, the question that anyone, who is a true Christian that wants to live as God would want, can an "Open Sexual Relationship" in a marriage or a committed relationship be allowed in the sight of God? The answer is absolutely "NO!". There are many scriptural verses about a husband and a wife in the Scriptures. No one should be arguing against scriptural verses over semantics or wrong interpretations of examples of men who did not live righteously in the scriptures as the Word of God is written with a clear interpretation for the Christian which the Holy Spirit will guide.
Consider the examples in the secular world when the media sometimes exposes the private affairs of famous people, whom had an agreement to have an open relationship in their marriage. What sometimes happens is the victim spouse sees the "other woman" or "other man", and suddenly they are deeply emotionally hurt. Adulterers need to know that nothing hidden will stay hidden forever.
Luke 8:17 | For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light. |
Lastly, can anyone state there will be no consequences for having an affair? This long topic has laboriously explained a person can claim that it should be okay since it was agreed to be okay with their spouse? If you are one of these type of people in "Open Relationships", then be warned that you are calling God a liar, by stating it is okay when God said it is not okay. An "Open Relationship" is a sinful action in a form of a rebellion towards God and that will also have some very dire earthly and eternal consequences besides the consequences of an adultery.
Ephesians 5:25-27 | 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. |
This section of the Adultery topic is dealing with knowledge of someone who is committing adultery and they are not stopping and are not seeking God for help in stopping.
The first question that is sometimes asked is there a responsibility for the Christian to expose an Adulterer to an unknowing spouse or significant other? The answer is a qualified with verification answer of "yes", as read below, where the analogy is like seeing a crime committed and not notifying the police. Unfortunately, most people have a fear to get involved with possible negative consequences occurring against themselves. If you had a criminal stealing from your house, when you were not at home, you would want your neighbors to call the police.
While the answer for the Christian is yes, there needs to be a very specific way for exposing an adulterer that ABSOLUTELY must be done with God's guidance, help from a Pastor, help from a Councilor or not done at all. The Godless world has an expression of "Ignorance is Bliss" for the victim spouse and that is wrong when dealing with knowledge of adultery.
Note that repercussions for exposing adultery is always a real possibility. Assuming that you know there is adultery occurring and it is not a guess or theory, then continue reading and you should pray about and confirm with:
before doing anything to expose the adultery. It is of paramount importance that you are not doing anything with ulterior motives such as revenge, jealousy or to desire someone suffer from their actions done just like you suffered in the past for committing adultery.
The second question asked is exposing adultery to a unsuspecting spouse harmful to the adulterer? The answer is of course "yes", but ultimately there are these benefits to the adulterer:
The third question asked is exposing the adultery to an unsuspecting spouse harmful to the unsuspecting spouse? The answer is of course "yes" in the short-term, but the unsuspecting spouse can proactively fix or remove the adulterer from their life which stops the continuation of evil.
Esther 4:14 | For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” |
The fourth question asked is what should be told to the unsuspecting spouse and how to accomplish the task? Here are some general guidelines that can also be obtained through prayer to God, your Pastor, a Counselor and many Internet help sites:
The content of the letter should be typed and not hand written with something to the effect shown below. The content needs to be written so that when the adulterer is eventually shown the letter by the victim spouse, then the adulterer will not know if the letter came from someone, they were having an affair with, a relative, a close friend, a work acquaintance or some private investigator. Here are two sample versions of many:
Version 1 {the date} Dear {put their name}, Your spouse has been having an affair for quite some time, where I cannot live with the guilt of not letting you know. I am not going to tell you my name. I hope you are able to save your marriage and fix the problems. I believe there is still love for you and the motives of having the affair are complex but in reality, just selfish. The adultery is happing {put the place such as work during lunch, after work when everyone leaves, etc.} Signed, |
Version 2 {the date} Dear {put their name}, Your spouse has been having multiple affairs for quite some time, where I cannot live with the guilt of not letting you know. I think there is still love for you where you can still save your marriage, but what I know makes me think that no one can have a monogamous marriage with {him/her} The adultery is happing {put the place such as work during lunch, after work when everyone leaves, etc.} Signed, |
If you are the adulterer trying to save your marriage and relationship, then you must do all of the steps listed. Everything that mankind does sinfully was paid for by Jesus Christ on the Cross so that we can go to Heaven by Faith in a relationship with Him.
Everyone of us needs to know and feel love during sexual intimacy, where our spouse's tenderness, emotions and ecstasy are cherished privileges. When anyone of us tries to get these from others, in adultery, then the cherished privileges are being devalued, destroyed and emotionally damaged. This occurs even if the adultery is not known by the other spouse. |
Paul in the scriptures warns us about loss of rewards and privileges in Heaven based on sins conducted in our life-time. It is the desire of this author that all adulterers save their relationship and move forward in a loving and fulfilling life in Jesus Christ!
This section of this topic is dealing only with Church Leaders who commit adultery. It does not apply to someone:
All Christians, that are in any kind of Church leadership which includes this writer who is a role of an Evangelist, are called to a higher level of accountability, James 3:1, where there are gifts by God given for the role. If a Church Leader commits adultery, then that person is putting Jesus Christ in a position of "public disgrace" which is part of the offense listed in Hebrews 6:4-8 shown below where Christians and also non-Christians are looking, trusting, relying on and depending upon a Church leader for guidance and leading by example.
It unfortunately has to be stated that God and all of us absolutely require our spouse, sons, daughters, friends, visitors and even ourselves have protection and no fear from the predatory act of adultery by a Church leader in a Church venue and also in the life of a Church leader.
James 3:1 | Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. |
Hebrews 6:4-8 | 4 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age 6 and who have fallen away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace. 7 Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. 8 But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned. |
ONE OF THE GREATEST PROOFS that a person serving in Church Leadership should never return to the role of leadership after adultery is given in the scriptures concerning Moses, who did NOT commit adultery, but falsely represented God. An adulterous Church Leader has misrepresent God. A few Biblical Scholars, which this author agree, state that Moses is a perfect example of the seriousness of representing God correctly. Moses for 40-years lead Israel during the Exodus, and there one incident that God forgave him but the significance of misrepresenting God had a very punitive consequence. Some of us might initially think it is not fair for this to happen to Moses after 40-years of faithfulness, until we realize we cannot commit specific sins that will publicly dishonor God and God's Glory.
Moses is one of the greatest teachers in the scriptures, that far surpass any modern-day Church Leader's abilities. The mistake that Moses made occurred during the Exodus wandering when Israel needed water. God had instructed, in an earlier occasion to strike a rock to bring forth water for Israel. On the next occasion, God instructed Moses to ONLY speak to the rock and water would come forth for Israel. On the second occasion, Moses was angry at the people so Moses strikes the rock disobeying God, Numbers 20:6-12. Moses misrepresented God by striking the rock the second time, which gave the impression to the people that God was angry at the people, when God was not. Also, the striking of the rock the second time, broke the model of the future Jesus Christ missions. The rock is an idiom for Jesus Christ and the water the Holy Spirit, where Jesus Christ was to be smitten once in His first mission at the Cross, and not smitten the second time in His Glory. Moses then had the consequence of not being able to enter the Promise Land.
Exodus 17:5-7 (first striking rock) |
5 The Lord answered Moses, “Go out in front of the people. Take with you some of the elders of Israel and take in your hand the staff with which you struck the Nile, and go. 6 I will stand there before you by the rock at Horeb. Strike the rock, and water will come out of it for the people to drink.” So Moses did this in the sight of the elders of Israel. 7 And he called the place Massah and Meribah because the Israelites quarreled and because they tested the Lord saying, “Is the Lord among us or not?” |
Numbers 20:6-12 (second striking of the rock) |
6 Moses and Aaron went from the assembly to the
entrance to the tent of meeting and fell facedown, and the glory of the
Lord appeared to them. 7 The Lord said to
Moses, 8 “Take the staff, and you and your brother Aaron gather the
assembly together. Speak to that
rock before their eyes and it will pour out its water. You will
bring water out of the rock for the community so they and their
livestock can drink.” 9 So Moses took the staff from the Lord’s presence, just as he commanded him. 10 He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, “Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?” 11 Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank. 12 But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.” |
Revelation 22:1 |
Then the angel showed me the river of the water of
life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the
Lamb (Future Eternity of water coming from the Throne of God. God is our Rock of Salvation.) |
There is the question if God will be still present in an adulterous and repented church leader's work at a Church? Yes is the answer, but that is because God's Word will never go out void, Isaiah 55:11, but every moment the adulterous repented church leader is working in church leadership is a sin against God. Furthermore, if makes God appear to have no power to change lives if a church leader, who should be mature had adultery even in the past, and can sin in such a grievous sin.
Isaiah 55:11 | so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. |
God absolutely still loves a Church leader who has committed adultery and the sin will be forgiven by God, but there are still consequences besides no longer being a role of Church leadership for the remainder of their life. Grace and Mercy applies to all of us, as everyone of us are sinners, where there are always other areas to serve God and build Rewards in Heaven because of our love for Jesus Christ.
See the topic on removal reasons for a person in Church Leadership for more information.
What to read next?
After reading this topic, see (a) Marriage and the needs of the man and woman, (b) Divorce & Relational breakups, (c) Grace and Mercy. Hope for an old relationship from the past: 60 Year Love Story