Relationships - Divorce and Break ups

Purpose

This topic is dealing with:

If you are doing something such as any type of spousal abuses which includes physical violence or intimidation, sexual exploitation or deviance, child endangerment and of course adultery then you should stop and get help immediately.  Absolutely nothing exonerates your actions or reconciles it.  While the Mercy of God is there for all of us, there is consequences here and now along with losses of rewards in Eternity.

This topic is written as a general help and does not replace the potential need of medical or physiological assistance.  It was written because there is so much bad information circulating that has hurt rather than helped people.

Scriptural References for dealing with Divorce

But there are more references and allowance in getting a Divorce.  In one great article from the Christian Research website, there are four purposes of Marriage:

"When we understand marriage as a covenant it follows that violations of any one of its four covenant purposes could constitute grounds for divorce. Adultery and willful desertion are obvious and potentially irreparable violations of covenant love. It would seem that there are other sins against marriage that could rise to the same level of covenant unfaithfulness as adultery and desertion, including physical abuse, refusal to work and support the family, illicit and illegal activities that threaten the safety of the family, refusal to engage in marital sex, refusal to bear or care for children, unrepentant addiction to pornography, alcoholism or drug abuse, forsaking the home for long periods of time unnecessarily, and engagement in occult activities or other spiritual actions harmful to the family. It could be argued that these violations of the marriage covenant may constitute biblical grounds for divorce, even though they are not specifically named as such in the New Testament."

Perfect Partner possible?

We all are never going to be the perfect partner in a relationship.  No one is without exception. 

Going through a break up or divorce is an opportunity to improve ourselves and make ourselves better.  A strange comment from an unbelieving Physiologist to the writer of the topic is "Affairs can fix a marriage as well as destroy it."  There "might" be a small bit of truth in it for the victim because we all should be striving to perfect our relationship with God and each other.  In a marriage, we all should continue to the end to find ways to improve ourselves which reinforces the reasons why our spouse fell in love with us in the first place.  Staying in shape, being attentive, regular sexual intimacy, security, integrity and of course friendship are absolute tenants to a marriage.

You are about to be Blessed

When looking to God and what happens to the victims of Divorce, evidence through observation over years of seeing it first-hand along with authors of books reporting the same thing, is God will use this to bless you in ways you would not have imagined.  The only contingency is you draw closer to God in Faith and Trust while not seeking revenge.  Revenge is for God only - Romans 12:19.  Victims of divorce often experience the following after the divorce:

Book choice 

One of the best books to read is "Love must be Tough" by Dr James Dobson.  It is a must read for anyone suffering and not knowing what to do when facing a break up of a relationship, potential divorce or even after the divorce.

A Magic Wand or a Prayer is not going to fix it

The first thing to realize that even if you believe that God does not want divorce, that doesn't mean God is going to intervene against another person's sovereign will in their life.  In other words, God gave us free will to choose Him and God does not change anyone's mind based on another's desires/wants.  We do know that God allows delusion and hardening of the heart as consequences to rejecting His ways, following Satanic influences or simply sinning because of our sinful nature.  There are many examples in the scriptures such as Pharaoh's heart being harden during the liberation of Israel in Egypt by Moses.  Some other scriptural references:

2 Thessalonians 2:11 "For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie"
Romans 9:18 "Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden."

The scriptures dealing with God hating divorce are often used to justify a person to stay in a broken relationship when this may not be what God wants.  This statement is controversial but when considering the Scriptural references at the start of this topic, the reader needs to know that God does list these for the purpose of leaving the already broken commitment.  In researching this topic, there are the other victims of the adultery which are the Children, Parents, Friends, Coworkers and of course the Body of Christ (the Church), all of which are suffering.

Bad advise is out there all over the place

Sadly, we have all heard well-meaning Christian and even non-Christian radio and TV talk shows give the same advice to those who are hurting and wanting direction on what to do.  Often the advice is wrong and even makes the situation worse!  Some common wrong answers and advice given are:

What to do now in order of importance

Assuming you have been told by your partner, boy/girl friend, husband/wife that they are no longer wanting to be with you, the following replies and actions must be done if you want to have the potential of saving the relationship along with victories of your confidence in the future which will help you in future relationships.  They are not going to be easy to say or do when you are in emotional pain, but the reasons why you should do these items are in the last section.

  1. Pray that God will tell you what the real problem is on the breakup through the Holy Spirit.  It is amazing how great the Holy Spirit is in this area of revealing problems, confirming suspensions and giving you inspiration to stand strong on items 2 through 6.
  2. Say nothing on how you feel to him/her about the impending breakup other than this almost verbatim "I love you and don't want you to leave but if you have your mind made up then I will not stop you." 
  3. Act completely confident in yourself that you are completely okay and your life is going to be better off.  This is a body language action not verbal.  If your soon to be ex-partner asks why, then your response should be very short and to the effect of "I am excited on moving forward with some things" where you do NOT elaborate.
  4. Portray confidence in normal daily tasks that you will have to do around him/her.
  5. Do not be around him/her unless you have to.  Absolutely minimize the time around your significant other and if possible completely eliminate any contact.
  6. Stop having sex no matter what!  If your relationship appears to be getting healed, then there must be a moratorium on sex for a designated period to make sure the healing is real.  The leaving person often will have sex to regain confidence over the other person and also to solidify their earlier decision to leave (1 Corinthians 7:5).

The Reality of breaking up and getting back together

ALWAYS remember that the Satanic unseen world is out there and it is an army fighting against the entire human race to destroy it, stop individuals from accepting Jesus Christ as their Savior and also to destroy the Christian and the Christian's family.  An unrepentant non-Christian is not a concern of the Satanic and Demonic realm.

What to look for in a potential spouse

There is no one who walked this earth other than Jesus the Christ who has not sinned in their thoughts and deeds but there is a significant difference when dealing with acted out infidelity when in a committed relationship.  Personally, the author of this topic at 55 years of age:

Perceived non-Biblical Divorce and fixing or not fixing

Some Pastors, Councilors and Christian Psychologists often only use the fidelity scripture (Matthew 5:31-32) to justify divorce ignoring other scriptures about the marriage covenant being broken as listed at the beginning of this topic.  They will sometimes condemn Believers for not having a Biblical divorce and say things like "you are now living in sin with your new spouse."  Mathew 5:31-32 does stand alone and should be consider along other marriage scriptures. 

In cases where there are new marriages and children involved, there is no easy solutions and especially when ignoring other Biblical justified reasons for divorcing a previous spouse.  Sometimes the wrongful council is to divorce the current spouse, have children stay with one of the parents followed by instructions to remarry a previous spouse.  Could this be the right thing to do?  "No" and consider these points:

What is the mindset to the reasons for acting out the items 1 through 6 noted above in the Section "What to do now in order of importance"

There are too many reasons to speculate what causes a break up or divorce.  It is the opinion of this author that while there are ways to improve oneself, the real problem is the spouse, where they would have most likely have committed adultery, infidelity, abuse, etc no matter whom they are in a relationship with. 

The goal of the item 1 through 6 is to make your spouse see you as a positive person who is going places and is in control of their life.  We are all attracted to people who are successful, confident and going places.  The victims of a bad relationship often resort to clinging to the spouse who is leaving which shows weakness and no confidence in themselves.  This is not attractive in a friendship or in sexual intimacy.  We all tend to want something we can't have and something that doesn't comes too easily.  By doing items 1 through 6, you are going to confuse and intrigue the spouse who is leaving or has left.  This is the only leverage you have to fixing your relationship along with having stronger relationships in the future.  Remember that intimidation and revenge do not fix but destroy.

These items, 1 through 6, are counter intuitive.  They are designed to have you leave the relationship mentally.  Additionally, if possible physically leave the shared accommodations.  The effect of this is often to actually pull the person back to you.  When you cling to a person who is leaving or left a relationship, then it pushes them away faster.  If the victim leaves, it often pulls the adulterer towards the victim.

Additionally, in a relationship when there is hurt with verbal negative comments and negative actions against you, then there might be the desire to retaliate where moving away from the relationship can potentially stop you from acting out in revenge.

The goal, when there are problems in a relationship, is to fix it and not make it worse by applying simple rules on conflict problem solving.  The list of 1 through 6 is what you must do when the marriage or relationship is at the breaking point or has already been broken.

The bottom line is we all are attracted to people who are successful, confident and going places so you must act and look like this is the case.  If your marriage is not fixable then doing items 1 through 6 will give you a small victory moving forward in life.  You left knowing you did not let the situation show it had any victory on you by your ex-spouse.

Remarriage to the one you divorced special circumstance

There are many wonderful cases where marriages have been restored after divorce where both the man and woman accepted Christ as their personal Savior and then God restored the broken marriages.  In the case where both the man and woman were actually Born Again / Saved, knowing Jesus the Christ as their personal Savior and then still divorced, the following scripture should be kept in mind.  As always Grace abounds from God and additionally we are living in the Church Age which is a different Dispensation so God allows us to do many things that were not an option for the Old Testament Believers, but the following scripture should be kept in mind on considerations dealing with re-marriage.

This scripture is a unique circumstance warning against remarriage to your wife after she had been remarried following your marriage to her.  Deuteronomy 24:1-4 "1 If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance."

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