Sections

Forward

There are many great and wonderful Christian Marriage guidance books, courses and messages on MP3 for all of us to get assistance.  We need to always take the time to maintain and improve our relationships, whether we are about to be married, married for a long time or about to re-enter a marriage covenant.  This topic discusses several areas that seem to never be mentioned and should be known, discussed and considered with the intent of maximizing the rewards of your marriage.

1. Failure to honor the commitment made to a relationship.
2. Not understanding how to communicate.
3. Unrealistic selfish desires.

If we realize that when we are committed in marriage, and even a relationship outside of marriage, that we symbolize becoming one flesh then rhetorically how can of us hurt ourselves (Mark 10:5-9)?  None of us would do something to hurt emotions, body, security, and so much more to ourselves.  We all are not perfect and need to absolutely know that not being righteous as ambassadors of God is hurting and being against God (summarized in Matthew 25:40).

The possible solutions along with hopefully helpful information, for these three problems and many others, are given in the entirety of this topic.  By no means, is this topic a replacement for counseling when needed. 

A Change in Society

When cultures across the world changed from a primary agrarian financial life to a predominately manufacturing, service and business management society, the influence of roles in genders began changing and were often changed permanently.  These are two general summary statements that reflect the differences between agrarian and modern-day lives:

1. In the agrarian life, men mostly spend their time with many physical activities that include farming and hunting.  Women mostly spend their time with areas in the home that include providing a desirable place to live and preparation of meals.  A married couple's children learn by instructions and watching to formulate roles in their future families.
2. In a modern-day, a non-agrarian family, both men and women can work in a profession that provides financial benefits for a marriage where there is predominately no difference on requirements of a working position being held by one specific gender.  A married couple's children learn that regardless of their gender, they also can grow up and work almost any profession.

When the agrarian life diminished and almost has become extinct, what remained were primarily four commonly taught paradigms by a father and mother:

1. Fathers teach their sons to treat women with respect, politeness, be helpful and giving, treat your wife as an object of loving affection, and provide security. 
2. Fathers teach their daughters that their husband should always be giving, providing, loving protecting and will work hard in his profession for her.
3. Mothers teach their sons to also treat women with respect, politeness, be helpful and giving, treat their wife as an object of loving affection, provide a financially secure home.
4. Mothers teach their daughters to expect their husbands to be respectful, polite, helpful, forgiving, loving and provide a financial secure home.

There are so many other areas that parents negligently believe will be learned by experience so they are not always taught.  Additionally, society with reinforcement from the entertainment industry and social media, incorrectly imparts that it is not what we do for others but what people do for us that makes us happy where we are not required to reciprocate.  The predominate problem with society damaging the marriage entity is the idealizing of a woman of beauty and having men give them everything they want.   Men are supposedly reimbursed for their actions, time, and money with being able to just be in the woman's presence so that the man should be happy. 

When considering the four commonly and tacitly taught paradigms, there are two problems areas where there is a great amount of details that can only be taught verbally:

1. Fathers are not verbally teaching their sons what to expect from their wives, along with not to tolerate in a marriage.
2. Mothers are not verbally teaching their daughters how to treat their husbands, along with actions that will hurt and destroy a marriage.

Yes, children watch and learn on seeing their parent interact, which can include times of adversity, but the children are not able to observe the most important roles and requirements of marriage roles that are private.  Private areas include required sexual intimacy, correcting and guiding in specific husband and wife roles that can involve strife, financial decisions, family and private time, and other areas that parents shield their children from observing.

Quick Good Ideas and Essential Understanding

Besides knowing the Love Languages, there are many other great ideas for increasing your relationship.  A article, dealing with a research work done by countless research groups and individuals.  Here are some summary points:

1. Show compassion in anything difficult or stressful being experienced by everyone.
2. Snuggle as often as possible with your spouse.
3. Take time to acknowledge, appreciate and reciprocate with your spouse when they are communicating with you.  This should also be done with:
   (a) Your friends where you should always smile and be happy to see them, and
   (b) Acknowledge your pets, when you come into a room when they are there.
4. Always tell everyone that is important in your life that you love and appreciate them.

Number #1 Needs for Both Genders

Two very common thoughts of married couples that helps in understanding one of the several problems that often happen in a marriage.

Confrontation of Respect and Security

Example 1:

A newly married husband and wife who both have full-time jobs.  The man who works longer hours with a further commute, normally leaves earlier to work and arrives home later than his wife.  When the husband gets home, his wife will always say hello from across the house while she is doing something and when the husband finds his wife, the husband always gives her a kiss. 

One day the husband gets home from work before his wife and is excited to see her when she comes home, so he goes to the door to meet her and gives her a hug and a kiss.  The husband enjoyed doing this and he could tell his wife enjoyed the reception from him. 

The next day, the husband arrives home after his wife is home, which is normal and he thinks to himself that when he walks in the door, she will be waiting at the door to hug and kiss him like he did the day before.  To his disappointment, it did not happen, where he then asked his wife why she did not meet him at the door like he did the day before. 

The husband felt he was being disrespected since he had thought that he had set a new standard for the relationship etiquette.  The wife, who had no idea that there was a problem, felt a since of security being damaged because her security, in the marriage, appears now to be conditional based on actions.  Obviously, both the husband and wife have a misunderstanding that is easily cleared and forgiven.  This example illustrates an aspect of the differences of respect and security for the man and woman.  

Example 2:

This author has experienced this and heard this repeated many times from many male friends.  A wife wakes up angry at her husband in the morning from a bad dream where the husband did something wrong in the dream, where in reality the husband would have never done such a thing.  The wife acts distant, angry and hurt with her husband, where finally she tells her husband what he did in the dream and explains that is the reason she is angry at her husband.  The husband does not know what to say to defend himself about something he didn't do and how can his wife get an angry when she should know better that he could never do anything like that to her along with dreams are not real. 

As noted at the start of this topic, this demonstrates a woman's strong inclination to think, judge and compare everything through emotions.  While a man can be woken from a horrible dream, where he is hurt or angry with his wife in the dream because of something she did that in reality would never do, the man will quickly realize the dream is not real and quickly be relieved and not let the bad dream effect the morning time together with his wife.

The Other Needs for a Man

The following list is not exhaustive and can be varied in order but generically speaking this is in the order of needs for most men after the number #1 need of respect.  Note that in the following list, many marriage resources state that men are starving for words of positive affirmation and negatively settle on a hidden life of solitude in self-sexual fulfillment.

1. Tranquility and peacefulness at home that involves gratitude with words of thankful affirmation.
2. Sexual intimacy which requires his wife to maintain attractiveness.
3. A best friend in his wife.
4. A place in the home, like a home office, that he can arrange and put anything he wants in it without fear of it being reorganized or hear criticism.  It is sometimes called a man-cave.
5. Other male best friends who he can spend quality time, apart from his wife, that reinforces his Christian manhood which in turn will strengthen his relationship with his wife.  This is were men enjoy talking with their male friends about anything and NOT dump problems or burdens that require a male friend to solve, be supportive or require assistance.  This is different for women who need one or more female friends to listen and provide emotional and empathizing support.
6. Alone time to reflect on anything and unloading problems from his mind.   Because men are problem solvers, it is NOT a good idea for the wife to give the man a problem or list of problems before going to bed at night because his mind and subconscious mind will wrestle with the problems that can prevent sleep, intimacy or lack of good sleep.
7. The ability to have his wife listen to requests for assistance and provide help in the home, finances and quality-time together or with other good friends who are men.  Also allowing the man to have some areas in the home to be to his liking or preference.
8. Having his spouse let him know that he did something right, pleasurable or appreciated after a task.  Without communicated appreciation then this is a sign of disrespect in the man's mind.
9. Not feeling afraid to open up with his wife regarding any feelings, thoughts and actions.

The Other Needs for a Woman

The list is not exhaustive and can be varied in order but generically speaking these are the needs for most women after the number #1 need of security. 

1. Tranquility and peacefulness at home which gives a sense of security that plays into the #1 need of a woman.
2. A sense of security to helps increase the desires and needs for sexual intimacy.  This is why the attractiveness of the man is not as important as it may be for man and his wife.
3. A best friend in her husband.
4. Other female best friends who she can and should spend time with, apart from her husband, where they are there to listen to her thoughts and maybe problems providing emotional support and emotionally empathizing. These other women are there for each other to enjoy the unique needs that God gave women.  (Observation: there are often women who only have one close female friend in their mother, which is rewarding, but when ultimately the mother passes, then the woman is left with a very profound since of emptiness in her life.  It is important to have other women friendships besides a mother.)
5. Complements that are given orally and also by actions along with small gifts such as flowers or love notes.  Love notes can be a yellow sticky note left on the mirror in the master bathroom for the woman to discover when the man is not at home.
6. Surprise chores done around the house, yard or filling the car's gas tank along with washing the car.
7. Not being disparaging, derogatory or any body language in a playful way or demeaning way done by the man when the woman is asking for assistance.  Men generally do not realize that this is a serious request even when the woman is asking playfully to mask her possible embarrassment or inability.
8. Attention to make her feel cherished, adored and valued to reduce any possible feeling of jealousy.  These actions will generally relieve any concerns because of the man's affection towards her.
9. Not feeling afraid to open up with her husband regarding any feelings, thoughts and actions to solve.  The wife wants her husband to understand her feeling first and foremost unless there an immediate need to fix something that causing stress.
10. Woman do not want to have any stress in their lives so a woman's husband should always try to mitigate problems that cause stress.

Warnings for Women

These points should be understood.  NOTE that these points are relating to a good Christian woman who is trying to fulfill the Christian role in her marriage to a Christian man.

1. An overwhelmingly high percentage of men, who have been married and then divorced in many surveys, have stated they would rather live alone without love and companionship of a woman than be in a marriage without respect.  This shocks many women who had no idea of this thought in men's minds and how men feel about not being respected in their marriages.  Many women after age 45 believe that older men prefer younger women for attraction reasons, but this is not the whole reason.  Men, in anonymity of conducted surveys, have stated:
   (a) the attraction drew them to younger women initially;
   (b) younger woman often show more respect to an older man who can provide security for them;
   (c) the man feels that because of his age he is wiser than the younger woman and believes he can always ensure that respect will be given or he will just leave the relationship/marriage. 
   * A negative example, of the requirement of respect, is how a man can fall into an affair with his administrative assistant or a subordinate coworker woman where the man is getting respect from the woman which he is not getting in his marriage (not that this condones adultery). 
   (d) For many reasons, not listed in this topic, many surveys show that a majority of married men feel that they are not given adequate or any respect at almost every stage of their marriage.  In today's politically correct, gender neutral and women are equals in all thing's climate, many women unknowingly are usurping their husband's roles/needs that can hurt or even destroy their Christian marriage.   
2. Wives often try to start changing their husband within a short time after marriage.  The women believe they are helping with comments to change aspects about the man.  Be very careful on how quickly and wide ranging the attempts are made along with the method.  Read this very poignant short topic excerpt from a news article on Dave and Ann Wilson.
3. Men enjoy coming up with solutions and fixing problems.  When there is a problem in the relationship that can be caused by something the husband did, and he sincerely apologies with acts of restitution, then this problem should never be brought up again as the husband thinks it is fixed.  The exception is if the husband repeats the problem.  If the wife brings up a problem that was previously discussed and solved, when the husband has never repeated the problem, then this is causing the man to fix something that is not broken, which can be extremely irritating for the man.
4. An overwhelmingly high percentage of Men, in the early years of marriage, have a hard time understanding their wives in terms of diminished sexual interest after children.  There are so many great explanations from outstanding Councilors like James Dobson who note that a woman's role of nurturing her young children after a full-time job or when children get home after school, makes it difficult for the woman to relax at the end of the day in order to consider sexual intimacy.  The scenario for the woman is often something to the effect of the following tasks after children get home:
   (a) fixes dinner,
   (b) assists in homework assignments,
   (c) gives/organizes bath time
   (d) makes lunches for children's next day at school,
   (e) cleans the kitchen,
   (f) sets out her clothes to wear for work the next day. 
   After doing these chores, the man who was also participating in them and often has very high sex drives compared to women in the years before mid-life cannot understand why the woman would not want to have intimacy to release stress and enjoy their love. One Christian Radio program was discussing how women often are worried about their children crying, need them after they are supposed to be in bed asleep or will come into the room when mom and dad are having sex even when the door is locked, which also adds to the problem of allowing relaxing time for intimacy. There are a variety of solutions that this author will expand upon at a later date, but this aggravates an overwhelmingly number of men who share this in surveys and one another where this could lead to divorce, affairs and pornography.  Wives need to understand their husband's thoughts regarding the purpose of sexual intimacy because there are common perceived goals but there are other desires that women typically do not understand.
    

   An excerpt from the Dating Topic section on the Life Cycle of a Single Person's Selection Process Unfortunately, there is a well-known problem, which young and middle-life men speak candidly with their best male friends and this is often illustrated in TV shows along with movies.  It is an extreme lack of sexual fulfillment in their marriages where they wonder if other men are experiencing the same problem.  Young and middle-age men will state that their sexual lives began great in early parts of the marriage and then became almost non-existent because their wives are constantly not interested in having sex.  It doesn't matter if the husband and wife are attractive and a great affectionate lover as a factor of why this occurs.   Husbands get to the point of no longer trying to initiate and asking, where the consequence is the man doing solitary self-fulfilling sexual gratification that involves his imagination with the possibility of pornography and even affairs.  The wives then interpret their husband no longer initiating and asking to mean they do not love them, and this leads to the wife also doing self-fulfilling sexual gratification and sometimes affairs.   God gave women the gift of enhanced emotional thought processes, where the negative aspect with this gift is wives will try to assign blame of a poor or absent sexual fulfilling marriage on their husband.  Of course, there are all types of scenarios, but the overwhelming cause of the problem, according to research recourses, is usually the wives.   On the rare side of problems, if a wife gets no response from her initiating, then there is a possibility that her husband has found other choices for his sexual needs that has replaced his wife, which should be an alarm warning for the wife to consider. A wife can state that it cannot be their fault if there is no desire because of hormonal imbalances, stress and lack of sleep, but older women will state that the problem was her own lack of balance and planning, routine exercise, eating correctly.  Older women realized that whenever they did have sexual experiences in the past, when there was no initial desire, the desire did come after foreplay that the younger wife should have realized on a routine basis.  One of this author's best friends stated to me at age 35 that he can't figure it out.  If his wife would just have sex routinely, then she could have absolutely everything she ever want that he could provide.  This same friend is now 62 years old, and after numerous health problems, is unable to have sex anymore and he says his wife now wants to have sex almost daily with little hints of hope routinely given that involves his service without reciprocation as it can't be received, where he says it just makes him angry and he can't say anything.  He also believes she is now having an affair.

   An interesting video blog from the year 2023, has the woman "Pearl" explaining the reason husbands have affairs is because wives "do not treat their husband like a man" with complaining, disrespect and no sex.  She adds that the wife must take responsibility that part of problem of her husband having an affair is because of her, and why does she care since she is not having sex with her husband.  This author agrees with the possibility, but her assessment requires a little more explanation.  If a woman is:

   • Complaining to their husband about his problems,
   • Disrespecting their husband by not being an equal partner in the marriage, where respect is a man's number one requirement in a marriage, and
   • Not having sex with her husband

   then that will have the dual effect of:

   • Having the husband be less desirable in a sexual intimacy desire by his wife.  
   • Having the husband not even want to have sexual intimacy with the wife.

   Pearl, in her blog, also states no matter what is going on, the husband should not cheat (have an affair) on his wife.  This author absolutely agrees.  Women need to also understand that if their husband is not having an affair then he is forced into self-gratification which involves his imagination or pornography.  A wife should want her husband's sexual intimacy desires to be focused on her.
   
   

5. Wives, who often have been alone raising children or grew up in a divorced home where the mother had to assume the roles of the absent father, often have difficulty in releasing the roles of the head-of-the-household to the man in a new marriage.  This is caused by the potential of the lack of a good role model example or even the future husband who does not understand his roles because of being raised in a divorced single parent family.
6. As part of the penalties of Adam and Eve's fall in Genesis 3:16, woman are told that their desire will be to control their husband and unless he is doing something that is immoral or illegal, then the wife should not try to be controlling.  Controlling will be taken as a sign of disrespect.  A woman's marriage desires were for her husband to be the guide and leader of the family in the ways God intended.

   Genesis 3:16

   To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”

7. There is a common belief, with today's politically correct society, that women is told and expected to be equal to men.  In a marriage, the wives may excerpt dominance as long as she feels that she can handle the problem, where at the moment of stress, will often dump the problem on the husband to fix something which he:
   (a) possibly didn't even know about because his wife had sundry reasons;
   (b) expected his wife to continue working through it because that is what he has to always do. 
   In a horrible example that this author has seen directly twice, the wives of this author's friends were working at jobs that became too stressful and quit without even discussing it with her husband.  Quitting the job caused immediate grave financial difficulties; and the wife's comment to her husband is she expects him to fulfill his role of taking care of the family's financial needs. The wife needs to always discuss a problem before it becomes critical no matter if there is a fear of it being embarrassing or it will require actions that are not desirable.
8. Most men, because they are made as problem solvers, tend to see everything in a systematic point of view which includes eating. They will serve themselves exactly the amounts of everything they want to eat.  Men have a tendency to save the favorite parts for last or to be eaten in a specific order because they favor the taste combinations, where the whole dining experience, in most men's mind, is seen from start to last.  Women often feel like they are sharing and feeling closer by reaching in with their fingers or with fork to take a piece of food.  This will offend the man, unless he has volunteered something on his plate before the woman even thought about it.
9. Because men are problem solvers and have a desire for efficiency/brevity, they may say things that can have two meaning because of the words being short. 
   (a) As an example, a man might say "I will do that" when taking over from something the woman is doing.  The woman may feel like, the man is insinuating she is incompetent, taking too long or doing it wrong.  Men, because of problem solving and efficiency are not saying something to create more problems, stress or require conversation to explain what they really meant.  In the "I will do that" comment, a man thought that he is being helpful, kind and speeding up the process. 
   (b) When women watch two men working on a problem, they will see this illustrated over and over where the two men are bonding because of the mutual help and short comments. 
   (c) There have been many cartoons on social media that have something to the effect of a man stating "If what I said can be taken two ways, then I meant it in the good way because I would have no reason to start a fight that I can't win with you, LOL".  When men are meaning something negative, the words can only be understood in one way and not two ways. 
   (d) A woman arguing with her husband concerning the belief that his comments were meant in a bad way, when he immediately says that he did not, will make the man immediately feel very disrespected because he is having to prove a negative is untrue which he will feel is very ridiculous, insulting and a waste of time.
10. Do not finish your husband's sentences or cut him off in the middle of a comment because you assume you know what is about to be conveyed.  Men often begin sentences with a "because this is occurring" then therefore "this other point" where the "because this" can be taken to mean a complaint or a continuation of the "occurring" and that is not necessarily going to be the case. 
    (a) As an example, your husband might say "You know we have been going to the Lobster Fish House a lot lately and I think we end up drinking too much wine with the dinner plus the place is very expensive".  If you cut him off before the "and", then there are many wrong possible conclusions such as "my husband does not like my choices", "my husband wants to pick the restaurants" or "my husband doesn't like having to dress up for restaurants."
11. Emotional decisions are not dependable and cannot be trusted without logic.  This is one of the greatest problem areas for both genders but especially for women.  God made men to base so much of their decisions on logic where there is still the temptations of greed, lust and temper for the man to contend with but the woman primarily has the weakness of basing a great deal of decision process on emotions.  Women need to realize that it is not important for their spouse to understand negative feeling no matter how much anger or pain is felt, as it is more important to explain what the problem is and the consequences.  Many relational problems are started from emotional decisions or words being said that should have not been spoken.  For more information, read the topic on emotions.
12. It is often difficult for women to release and forgive offenses done unto them.  This a very important area to understand and truly forgive as detailed in the parable of the servant forgiven of a large debt in Matthew 18:21-25.  Harboring revengeful thoughts and acting on them will cause
    (a) Loss of productivity in God's service,
    (b) Collateral and intentional hurting of others because they remind you of someone who hurt you,
    (c) Depression, and
    (d) Loss of rewards in Heaven.
13. Do not compare your husband with previous men that were in a relationship with you.
14. Do not expect your husband to always understand when they have done something wrong.  When a normal husband does something wrong, he will apologize and men generally speaking do not seek revenge which would include not apologizing as men are naturally problem solvers.  Simple Internet searches to reveal Therapist topics on counseling women often express men have no difficulty in apologizing, but counseling sessions have abruptly ended because the woman would not apologize.  This author believes women in relationships, and especially in therapy sessions, refuse to apologize for something they did wrong because:
    (a) The emotional conclusion that they should not apologize since their husband has not apologized for something in the past.
    (b) The emotional belief that regardless of herself doing wrong, they do not want to be held accountable by admitting wrong as the wrong done is understandable with problems done by her husband in the past. 
    (c) The emotional belief that by apologizing will put herself in a state of vulnerability to her husband that she doesn't want to be appear weak.
    (d) The emotional belief that her husband should understand that her emotional reactions do not relate to reality of how she does not make mistakes intentionally.

Warnings for Men

These points MUST be understood and performed by husbands.  The order is important which is why they are numbered versus bullet points:

1. Always lovingly and using soft spoken tone of voice do not lose respect from your wife by your actions and speech that sometimes may require defending your viewpoints and honor for the entire marriage.  Women tend to drift slowly into a role of a mother with their husbands if not prevented in doing so.  When a wife drifts into a mother role with her husband, then this changes the respect required from a woman, with her husband, to desire sexual intimacy and a husband's leadership. 
   
   Many times men have heard from other men, and even observed, that husbands:
   (a) Visibly get exhausted with having to always defend their actions,
   (b) No longer wants to spend the time to explain with their wife many decisions are better when based on logic and not emotions,
   (c) A husband eventually will just tolerate, never question and act obediently with his wife, where there are the orders, not nicely asked requests, to have something be done immediately.
   
   All of this, in the husband's logic based on experience of history, has the man getting to the point of just not wanting to have verbal disagreements that lead to arguments where the husband has to apologize at the end even when the wife was wrong.  Unfortunately, ALL husbands must always have loving approaches to correcting and preventing his wife from losing respect for her husband otherwise the marriage will suffer.  A husband must lovingly retain and maintain proper marriage roles that have him being respected as the head of the household even when a wife has a higher income.
   
   When having a confrontation, which you as the husband are participating, it absolutely only be done if you as the husband are innocent, without blame, and only trying to inject an important point or observation.  Once you as the husband have made your point or observation, do NOT require your wife to acknowledge you are correct as your wife in most cases, even when she realizes or knows you are correct, will want you to say I love you and let the argument stop.  By you as a husband making your point or observation, can also walk away saying "I love you" to let her emotions relax.  This author is married to an amazing women who has a MBA and Masters in Engineering, where she lets her emotions take her into arguments that she realizes are wrong after she calms down.
    
2. It should be your pleasure to know that on many occasions, you will need to comfort your wife's fears and anger on topics.  This can happen on problems that you may have felt were already solved.  Most men, including this author, often that it hard to handle discussing topics that a man felt were solved in a prior event.  This author, who has an extremely well educated wife with two Masters Degrees, have noticed that she can be emotionally triggered on something that requires discussing when I thought a matter was solved.  I have learned that my full patience in listening again and attentively on a already discussed topic is required.  Listening without judgment always make my wife, and most likely most women, feel positively and emotionally connected with their spouse.
3. The method that a man uses to solve problems can also be the greatest weakness that cause troubles in their relationships!  Most men will let their wife know about the problem and give the solution.  This can often be expressed in a manner (possibly with emotion) that will almost always be interpreted by your wife as criticism!  While you meant it as something being fixed, a woman's natural pattern of interpreting solutions given from her husband, which was not asked for, is to be skeptical and is weighted against security in her relationship. 
   (a) Read the last bullet point on suggestions for Women with the paragraph following to see an example.  The solution is counterintuitive, which requires you to rehearse and compose your thoughts so that there can be no negative interpretation. 
   (b) If you are a woman reading this, then men do know about the problem and it becomes very stressful and disrespectful for them to have to operate this way.  This is one of the paramount problems that scare men about remarrying.
   (c) This is an area where men do change after marriage.  Before marriage, they are very careful to always sound kind, thoughtful and compassionate on anything they perceive as needing fixing.  After marriage, men tend to think they do not have to operate that way.
4. Women were once little girls who enjoyed role playing games with having potentially a doll house and dolls that were families.  Men were once boys and loved action games that usually relied upon physical actions such as playing tag, hide and go seek, baseball, soccer, and others that required also picking someone to be in a specific position on a team and who goes first.  When a wife tries to manage the entire home in every aspect, then this is actually positive proof of her love for the joint home and the husband should not object.  A wife will want positive complements on arranging the home even if it involves arranging a man's home office and his side of the closet. 
5. When a wife is very concerned with her husbands health, then shows her love even when the husband repeatedly states what he is doing is not going to hurt himself.
6. This is a very common misunderstanding by most husbands:

   When wives feel relaxed, and with security, in their relationship with their husband, then a wife will often speak about anything using words that convey emotions.  This can be a wonderful opportunity for a husband to hear very positive emotional comments that can even be negative.  There are times that husbands need to remember that a woman will often use emotional words and phrases to describe something she wants to be changed, fixed or their husband to understand, all of which can sound judgmental and negative.  (a) If the wife was not letting her husband know about her feelings, that can be judgmental, then this would mean that she doesn't feel close to her husband.  (b) Also, because a wife feels relaxed and secure then she is using the gift from God to use emotions, with logic secondary, as the primary ways to communicate with words and actions. If a wife is not showing her emotions and not speaking in judgment then this has the potential meaning that she is losing her love and admiration.  A newly married man with immatureness in being married, can often think that his wife is being too emotional and judgmental with offense being given to the husband and this is not his wife's intention.  A cliché funny expression that is sometimes heard is: "If you wife is not complaining about things to her husband, then the wife is then complaining about things to a man that is not her husband where that is bad."

7. Women have a natural tendency to lose affection (and sometimes respect) in their spouses when boredom and routines become the predominate life they are living.  Joyce Meyer caught this author's attention several times, when listening to some of her ministry's messages and reading her books, which have dealt with this problem.  In one of Joyce's messages, she was speaking to women about understanding life is not about vacation adventures, romantic dinners, surprise gifts, intimacy, but rather said life is routine.   Joyce said something to the effect of life is "waking up, taking care of family needs, going to work, taking care of family needs, going to sleep", where Joyce repeated this over and over to get the point across with the summation that God gives a woman a man to lead the family where it is important to respect, love and support him.  For men, the important point is to maintain a healthy romantic and love filled relationship, the man must try to always give the woman:
   (a) Vacations to look forward to,
   (b) Romantic dinners,
   (c) Surprise gifts, and
   (d) Fulfilling sexual experiences.
8. You need to be infinitely:
   (a) forgiving,
   (b) understanding and
   (c) patient! 
   When she says anything that is disrespectful or mean, you must forgive her immediately followed by respectful questions or points for her. 
9. Most likely the worst problem by men concerning their wives occurs during disagreements or an argument.  You will have the perception that your wife is not using a logical thought process and doesn't understand why she is upset or angry. 
   (a) Comedians for decades have given the quip warning to the man: "Your next words will be the start of a new argument."  
   (b) Your frustration is having to explain or prove something didn't happen or that was not the intention of what your wife believed.
   (c) What is not understood in most of the cases, where a wife may not explain it correctly, is the point that because she feels this way from something that you were involved with then you are the cause.  Remember, that women do not handle stress the way men do where it can severely affect a woman's emotions.
   (d) You need to remain calm allowing her to tell you what you did wrong or didn't do correctly.  When she is finished, then speak to her about what she is feeling about the problem so that she will eventually believe that you understand why she is feeling the way she does against you.  Remember that it doesn't matter that you may have not had anything to do with the problem, but it is your problem because in her mind, you are there to fix stress and problems. 
   (e) Usually, within moments after a wife thinks and feels a mistake of hers is resolved she will want to move on.  You may want to hear an apology from her for thinking incorrectly, but this should not be required.  Your wife will feel that since you understood how she could feel angry, even when it was incorrect, then you will also understand that she is sorry, so she will not mention it.  If she thinks that sorry is required, then she will feel that you didn't truly understand her, and you have not fixed anything in the disagreement or argument.  If you understand that she is sorry then it will make you also happier and allow you to grow in your relationship.
10. When your wife loves you, she wants you to understand her feelings on a topic or a problem, rather than understanding her logic on solving any issue.  Your tendency is to give a solution, which can be absolutely the only solution, but it still requires you to relate to her thoughts first and only after her desire of emotional understand is reached can the husband give the solution. 
11. When necessary, you must absorb her problems, anger and all emotions without being judgmental, condescending or giving unsolicited solutions.  Most women do not understand that when having their husband absorb problems then the husband has to find a way to release the stress which they know can't be re-absorbed by their wife.  The husband needs to understand this from the beginning of a marriage, and it is part of the responsibilities of the husband and head of the marriage.
12. You cannot lose your temper or display anger towards her, even if it is righteous.  Your place is to be the calm councilor and mediator as Jesus Christ is for us all.
13. Women are expecting their husbands to like a father figure to them which means they expect you to solve all problems with or without their assistance.  There will be times when your wife will do something, purchase something or even forget to do something where in her mind it was not important because she expects you to always take care of all problems.  This can cause a feeling of disrespect, but your role is to buffer the problem so that it becomes an inconvenience at worst. 
14. There will be many times in your marriage that your sexual desires and attempts to be intimate will not be met or rewarded.  Your role is to always be infinitely patient and continue being romantic without expectations that it will result in intimacy.  In later points in the marriage because of age, the tendency will be your wife will desire sexual intimacy more than the husband so the man must keep himself physically in good health.
15. Husbands need to understand their wives' thoughts regarding the purpose of sexual intimacy because there are common perceived goals but there are other desires that men typically do not understand.
16. At times you will need to stay determined to specific goals that will require you to use the authority that God gave you as head of the household.  During these times, listen to your wife so that she can reflect her emotions and concerns where this will let the goal proceed without causing friction or harm to your marriage.
17. Women generally are far superior to men in reading body language and emotional indicators.  Unfortunately, men can be frustrated, while trying to find a solution to a problem that has nothing to do with his wife, and during conversation with his wife make her feel that she is not desired, appreciated or that you are mad at her because of your solution thoughts that have nothing to do with her.  The husband needs to always remember the communication required for his wife to feel connected and valued in her marriage.
18. Women enjoy sharing food, experiences, thoughts and of course time.  You need to expect that your wife may desire to do something with you, eat something with you or spend time with you, even if you had planned to be alone or eat alone.  The best approach is asking and do not assume your wife will answer what she is really desiring.  Your wife may detect that you are wanting to be alone, and therefore answer that it is okay for you to be alone when she really wants to be with you.  You need to learn how to ask questions that are framed in a way that does not make your wife make difficult choices, in her mind, because of the way you have phrased questions that convey the possibility or your desire to exclude her.
19. Your wife is always expecting reassuring comments and actions even though she may insist that is not the case.  If you watch two women discussing a difficult topic, the smart women will always tell the man later that she was looking for words, body language and pauses to indicate how the other woman is receiving her comments.  Men generally relies upon their words being receive in a constructive and problem-solving manner, so every other communicative devise is taken to a much lesser degree. You cannot do this with your wife. 
20. Women typically do not use the word "sorry" with their husbands even though they think they use the word all the time.  In their minds, they are implying it by actions or by not saying anything when they do some wrong, of course by accident.  Your wife will give a sad look or try to give a hug to replace the word. 
    (a) Men, in the problem-solving role in their life, like using the word "sorry" in every situation that it can be used.  Do not get disappointed or upset your wife because she does not use this word or hardly uses the word. 
    (b) Some therapists state women prefer not using the word "sorry" because they feel, their husband should know that they did not mean to do anything wrong, should see in their emotional body language and know that they are sorry.  Additionally, wives do not want to hear any words of disappointment or chastisement from their husbands, so they avoid using the word, when possible, with the desire to quickly continue with some other activity.
21. There is a cycle that is difficult for a man to understand.   A wife will desire to talk about her problems with the desire for her husband to understand without asking or wanting a solution.  If a husband speaks about a solution it potentially can add stress to the wife's problem because she now also has to consider the aspect of solving along with the emotional feeling that she is trying to get rid of.  A man sometimes should not share his problems with his wife because this adds emotional stress that she will want to release back by talking about it with her husband.

Some Suggestions for Women

• Dedicate at least one hour a day to spend studying the Bible with the use of books and study guides.  By doing this, God will always reward you with increased understanding of the Bible and ALL matters in your life.  You will find that there will be areas that you did not know you needed to pay attention to that may be something with your husband, children, parents, job, relationships, health, finances and so much more that will be revealed to you!
• Consider yourself always a work-in-progress that has a goal of pleasing first yourself and then your husband.  One of the most difficult concepts to understand will be growing older and believing that you must maintain anything that TV Shows, Movies, Internet Sites and Companies, who advertise products and goals for women, will have the Godly goals for you.  Do your research on what time you will spend and what selections of leisure time watching TV Shows, Movies and reading anything on the Internet that is not uplifting or at least not hostile to a Christian Walk.
• Find other Christian women, who are exemplifying the type of woman that you want to aspire to be and find out what they are doing to maintain and grow as a woman and wife, which Jesus Christ would want you to be.
• Never stop learning, reaching for new goals and finding ways to make your relationship with your husband better.
• Make friendship with more Christian women and look for women who need help in becoming a Christian.  By finding more friendships, you will open up possibilities for you and your husband to make friendships that are fun, edifying and mutually beneficial to facing life's struggles.
• Try to not let negative emotions dictate, invade, cause or manipulate your actions in words, deeds and thoughts.  This requires understanding everything from the perspective of how Jesus Christ would handle all situations.
• Always assume that the conversations from your husband are meant in a positive way unless there is absolutely no other possible interpretation.  The cliché made by men is "if what I said can be taken both ways then I meant it in the positive way."  Women should remember that men, because of their problem-solving characteristics, see conversations to be constructive and not derogatory with their spouse and others. 

Regarding the last bullet point on perceiving your spouse's conversations are negative and hurtful to you, consider this example.  If two men are working on a car, they might be using short sentences and command-type requests for tools or help from one another, all of which would make a woman think the men are being disrespectful when actually they are enjoying each other's support, work and companionship. 

Furthermore, on conversations being perceived as derogatory, as a woman you do not want to get to the point in your relationship that your spouse becomes guarded on conversations and rather than explaining what he meant will just say "I'm sorry" when he meant nothing bad, so that he doesn't have to listen to an explanation from his spouse on what he did wrong which he didn't think he did.  This ultimately makes the man feel very disrespected.  To possibly make the matter worse, a wife might be wrongly thinking and feeling:

1. Vindication because the spouse understands how he hurt his wife emotionally. 
2. Feels better for venting.
3. Has stopped the spouse from talking like that in the future.

Some Suggestions for Men

• Dedicate at least one hour a day to spend studying the Bible with the use of books and study guides.  By doing this, God will always reward you with increased understanding of the Bible and ALL matters in your life.  You will find that there will be areas that you did not know you needed to pay attention to that may be something with your wife, children, parents, job, relationships, health, finances and so much more that will be revealed to you!
• Dedicate at least one hour a day to anything fun or relaxing with your wife that will involve conversation.  Your wife expects at least one hour and more from you daily unless there are extenuating circumstances.
• Realize your position in the marriage.  There will many times that circumstances feel hypocritical because you will feel your wife gets to say, do things, not say and not do things which if you had done or not done then your spouse would be angry with you, where you have to ignore it when it is from her.  Your spouse will often feel that you are not doing your part in the roles were this is because she does not see you doing them, which goes back to you must communicate so that she will feel informed, loved and taken care of.  This is part of her #1 need of security even though it goes against your #1 need of respect.
• When you are in the dating relationship, the two of you enjoyed fun and romantic times that always led to intimate closeness.  After getting married, the same approach used in dating seems to not always feel appreciated and respected where your goals of sexual intimacy is not a foregone conclusion.  For men this is often joked about as "there was something in the wedding cake that changed the relationship, so I should have never let her eat that cake!".  As the man, much of the problem of not achieving your desires of sexual intimacy at the end of a perceived romantic time is caused by:
  (a) the problems listed above in "An overwhelming high percentage of men" in the warning for women section, which means it has nothing to do with you;
  (b) women often believe the rules of dating required specific expectations to be fulfilled that are no longer operable after marriage;
  (c) women often use intimacy as means to an end in the dating relationship for the goal of changing a man's mind, getting a man to love them, and becoming married. 
  All of this does not mean your wife does not want intimacy, but it has to be handled differently.  To get past the problem, there needs to be a different style adopted by you where part of the solution is to communicate way before the two of you start a romantic time so that there are no false expectations, disappointment, disrespect and even anger.

Do this Daily for your Marriage

There is no perfect list of things to do daily for maintaining the best in your marriage.  Here are some suggestions that were partially obtained from several sources with enhancements including YouTango, article by Lianne Avila, which this author periodically reads.

1. Perform little acts of affection at the beginning, throughout and at the end of the day. 
   (a) When waking up and going to bed, always kiss good morning and good night.
   (b) When going to bed, absolutely and always say a prayer for your spouse, children, all relations, friends and even pets.  This only takes a minute or two where there should be one or two quick points of thanks for what God has done that day and help on tomorrow.
   (c) Sporadically kiss, hug and touch one another romantically when passing. 
   (d) This author, almost daily, will pick up my wife from below her mid-section (so that she is high in the air) and romantically grab her with my free hand where upon bring back to the ground is followed by a kiss to the lips or neck.
   (e) Run across the room in frolicking type of way to hug one another.  For visualization, think of how your puppy or kitten would run up to you after not seeing for a long period of time where there is a little bit of clumsiness acted out that conveys playfulness.
    
2. Listen at the start of the day and a different parts of the day what activities are going on. 
   (a) Do not do this in an interrogation or verification of being busy type way. 
   (b) The method should be done with interest and show excitement to hear about the planned activities and hopes.
    
3. Find ways, when apart from one another, to think of your spouse romantically. 
   (a) This will be ideas that can be talked about during a text, phone call or when seeing one another next.
   (b) This should include also sexual thoughts that are not shared but for the purpose of showing love in intimacy.
    
4. Always say words that convey appreciation, concern and care:
   (a) "Please"
   (b) "I'm sorry"
   (c) "Thank you for doing that for me"
   (d) "Can I help you with anything?"
    
5. Have plans being worked on mutually for:
   (a) Coffee, tea with pastry evening out during the work week.
   (b) A weekend day or night to do something fun.
   (c) Working on small excursion trips for a Saturday or Sunday along with a possible work-week day trip.
   (d) Develop plans and go on small or big vacations once every three to six months which involve planning and mutual fun things to do for both of you.

Sexual Intimacy in a Marriage

Visualization Graphic

This analogy and graphic have been around for at least 40 years and portrays the importance of the roles that are in the Christian Family. 

Some humor that also dramatizes the point of how unfortunately men have a tendency to not take care of themselves physically while believing they still look desirable, and women often have the opposite perception.

A Final Summary

For women, realize that men are very simple to understand their requirements for making them happy on a daily basis.  Eliminating one of these four causes a man to absolutely look for a solution and causes him to feel denied. 

1. Food,
2. Respect,
3. Leisure time, and
4. Sex (see topic on sex for how often)

For men, realize that women primarily use emotions to think about their desires and what is required at that time to make them happy on a daily basis in a relationship.  The list can change and then be the same list on another day, but primarily require you to:

• Always reflect confidence, that keeps her respect for you, as this makes a women feel security along with being attracted to you.
• Solve problem without being asked, but make sure she sees you doing them if possible or the results.
• Find a way to make her laugh throughout the day.
• Use positive emotional language that makes the woman feel empathy, sympathy, enthusiasm, romantic and sexual desires, and peaceful security.
• Make sure that you never let more than a few hours go by without communicating in some way such as texting, emailing and phone calls.   Listen, emphasize, and do not her solve problems unless asked.  (Note that some so-called "relationship helps" reflect to never respond instantaneously to a text, but this author is presuming the relationship is more mature.)
• Show affection, without the goal of sex and sexual touching, that reflect your being desirous of her. 

What to read next?

See Dating and Dating Sites.  Friendships between women and other women.  For the family in crisis Adultery & Cheating - Affairs & Divorce & Relational breakups and for the importance of Christ in our employment Abuse of Power   Hope for an old relationship from the past: 60 Year Love Story