Wives Responsibility

Creation date: 21-Dec-2022
Maintaining Marriage Sexual Intimacy

Last updated: 17-Feb-2024
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Warning: Mature Subject matter is contained in this topic.
Sections

1 Purpose of this Topic 2 Preface
3 An Analogy for Women 4 Maintaining Marriage Sexual Intimacy
5 A Sad & Common Marriage Problem 6 Teaching from Sinful Actions of Others

Purpose of this Topic

The purpose of this topic is to assist help women in their understanding of the responsibility of a sexually rewarding marriage is primarily the wife's responsibility.  The stereotype belief is the husband is responsible where this is absolutely not true.  A husband's role is to be the primary initiator in most romantic situations that lead to sexual intimacy, where sometimes there will not be romance to proceed sexual intimacy because of time constraints.  Wives absolutely can and should initiate romance to lead to sexual intimacy also, but the wife's responsibility is maintaining consistent intimacy based on agreed regularity.

Ultimately, in most marriages before a man's mid-life, husbands will desire sexual intimacy very regularly where the wife may desire but does not make the time to permit sex which is why the wife is responsible for maintaining sexual intimacy in the marriage.  As a woman, do an internet search on "sexless marriages" on YouTube and only watch the presentations from women physiatrists and the presentations, some are T.E.D. talks, that state almost exactly what this topic on Biblical Thoughts is stating to help with the problem. 

Up until mid-life, atypically 50 years-old, wives because of stress, lack of sleep, children, hormonal problems, menopause, emotional anger not released and other causes will often not want to plan or allow sexual intimacy with their husbands.  Regarding planning as a prerequisite for sexual intimacy, for most women planning is very important after the other problems were removed.  When a wife is looking forward to sex with her husband, then she will dedicate preparation time ahead of the encounter where if there isn't that time for preparation then she often removes the option to have sex in her day.  As a corresponding proof, a married couple can recall in the dating process and early parts of a marriage, how eager a woman was to spend time on a date where she planned everything about what she was going to wear, perfume to use, hair style, jewelry and so much more.

Men equate sexual intimacy with love for a successful marriage where there is not many requirements for preparation.  As read in the topic on sex concerning hygiene dealing with husbands, the need for planning and hygienical preparation time is not a requirement for themselves and in the husband's mind sometimes not even for their wives as having sex is the immediate goal.

When reading this entire topic, women will realize that their husbands for a majority of the marriage, until after mid-life, has a stronger desire for sexual intimacy, that requires a wife to find balance in her life and to find a routine for mutually understood days in a week (based on age) that still allows the possibility of impromptu sexual time.  When there is balance and mutually understood routines, then this will hopefully eliminate the negative misunderstandings, feeling of being deprived, anger, disappointment and much worse.

Preface

This topic is stating the following preface points:

  1. Men are never to demand, force or apply guilt to their wives in order to obtain sexual intimacy.
  2. Men are never to remind their wives of the role of a wife to maintain regular sexual intimacy.
  3. Men are never to demand, force or apply guilt to their wives to perform any sexual acts that the wives do not want to perform.
  4. Men and Women are never to use the lack of sexual intimacy to commit adultery. 
Note that this author is a husband who has suffered in this area of desiring more intimacy with my wife, as it seems every man that I have known to talk about it until a woman reaches a certain age.  Most wives seem to reach around 50 years of age or older and then become very desirous of intimacy without any catalyst. 

This author's first marriage lasted 24 years, that I ended for Biblical Reasons.  Some additional information can be read in the "background on this author" section in the Roles in a Relationship topic  This author:

  • Experienced worse problems
  • A period that was absolutely horrible, tough, then God blessed years and finally a new great second marriage
  • A great deal of knowledge gained from the experience and knowledge from books

all of which are being used to help others in counseling, topics like this one and others dealing with relationships.

Why this topic is important:

While the reasons for the problems all men seem to encounter may be slightly different for every situation for husbands, I personally know of many men having the result of entering into affairs on their wives with devastating consequences.  While this author has never committed adultery, I can understand why these men, who were Christians, gave into the temptations after multiple years and years went by with only sporadic intimacy because their wives (who loved their husbands dearly) were unable to get past barriers caused by stress, lack of sleep, children, hormonal problems, menopause, emotional anger not released and other problems.
 
1 Corinthians 7:5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Unfortunately, men between the ages of eighteen years-old to most likely around the age of sixty years-old, will complain about not being sexually satisfied along with the possibility of not having enough spontaneity and variations of sexual love making.

The importance of sexual intimacy is to maintain many important aspects of the marriage along with preventing all of our selfish desires that may include lust and desires for sexual experiences with others, that can lead to adultery. 

It is interesting that as we age, that in the senior years it is God's loving providence to take away some of the stronger sexual desires, along with other worldly desires that can include wealth and power, of earlier life in order for all of us to focus on what is important in life listed in the Rewards in Heaven five areas next for all men and women.

This list of five is an excerpt from Rewards in Heaven topic.

Everything done through faith that:

  1. Developed a relationship with God and loving God more and more,
  2. Did activities in God's Service,
  3. Faithfulness to the guidance of the Holy Spirit
  4. Righteously suffering, and
  5. Overcoming sinful areas and obstacles in life through the Holy Spirit.

will contribute to rewards in Heaven.

1 Corinthians 9:24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Regarding importance of God's directives for us regarding sexual intimacy and much more:

1 Corinthians 7:3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
1 Corinthians 7:5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
Song of Songs 7:7-10 6 How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights! 7 This thy stature is like to a palm-tree, And thy breasts to its clusters. 8 I said, I will climb up into the palm-tree, I will take hold of the branches thereof: Let thy breasts be as clusters of the vine, And the smell of thy breath like apples, 9 And thy mouth like the best wine, That goeth down smoothly for my beloved, Gliding through the lips of those that are asleep. 10 I am my beloved’s; And his desire is toward me. 11 Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field; Let us lodge in the villages.12 Let us get up early to the vineyards;
Let us see whether the vine hath budded, And its blossom is open, And the pomegranates are in flower: There will I give thee my love.
Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

An Analogy for Women to Understand Men's Sexual View with their Wife

Younger women, along with middle age women, often do not know and cannot comprehend the desires that their husbands can have which has them quickly desiring sexual intimacy based on absolutely nothing but the man being with his wife.  Young men often quickly will understand in the beginnings of their marriage that romance is often an absolute requirement in order to possibly have sexual intimacy which very disappointedly does not always lead to sexual intimacy. 

The analogy below gives a great comparison for wives to understand their husbands who are in the age range of 18 to around 55 years old.  As noted in other topic areas of Biblical Thoughts for God's Glory, the desire for sexual intimacy changes for both genders as we all get older. 

The Analogy:

You, as a young wife, are told that you have inherited the following gift from you father for your enjoyment of your entire life:

  1. Your father's high priced and high fashion jewelry, clothing and shoe store near (which is next door to your house) is there for your unrestricted use to select and wear anything free of charge with one stipulation listed below on #3.
  2. Any day you desire, you can go into the jewelry, clothing and shoe store and pick out:
    (a) A watch, earnings, bracelets, rings, pendants and other accessories from the jewelry store to wear for the day.
    (b) An outfit from the clothing store to wear for the day.
    (c) A pair of shoes to wear for the day.
  3. Within a few days after selecting any items from the three stores you must return them without concern of wearing and using them.
  4. The stores are always getting in new items that are the latest in beauty, fashion and functionality for all social, sporting and work day experiences.
  5. You can always reselect items previously worn to wear again with the same provision of returning them within a few days.

As a woman, how often would you be excited and have desire to go into the stores?   Your desire to go to the stores would most likely be several times a week or even possibly daily as you possibly try on items there before taking them out of the store.

A husband for most of his marriage has the same sort of desires where he believes, loves and sees his wife with sexual excitement that he wants to have intimacy like the woman who has unrestricted access to the three stores of the analogy. 

Now imagine as a wife being taken by your husband to the best jewelry, clothing and shoe stores and told:

  1. You can look but you cannot touch.
  2. You cannot purchase anything even though we have enough money and even a credit card. 
  3. Maybe on another day I will let you touch and purchase something.  

As a wife, how would you feel towards your husband after these three previous statements?  You, as a wife would most likely feel:

  1. What is the purpose of going to the jewelry, clothing or shoe stores if I can never even touch, handle or buy anything?
  2. You, as the wife, would think that your husband does not love you like he once did.

Maintaining Marriage Sexual Intimacy

Wives, after reading the previous section of this topic, can then start to understand that marriage intimacy is dependent upon you as the wife because the wife is the store with which a husband enjoys going to daily.

A husband, for most of the marriage starting at youth, will desire routine sexual intimacy that requires his wife to find ways to relax, be in the mood and have desires.  A husband absolutely must provide security, love and romance to be part of sexual intimacy, where romance sometimes is not going to have the possibility because of responsibilities for that day, which should not be a deterrent for considering a quick sexual intimacy time.

1 Corinthians 7:5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

A Sad & Common Marriage Problem

An excerpt from the Dating Topic section on the Life Cycle of a Single Person's Selection Process

Unfortunately there is a well-known problem, which young and middle-life men speak candidly with their best male friends and this is often illustrated in TV shows along with movies.  It is an extreme lack of sexual fulfillment in their marriages where they wonder if other men are experiencing the same problem. 

Young and middle age men will state that their sexual lives began great in early parts of the marriage and then became almost non-existent because their wives are constantly not interested in having sex.  It doesn't matter if the husband and wife are attractive and a great affectionate lover as a factor of why this occurs.  

Husbands get to the point of no longer trying to initiate and asking, where the consequence is the man doing solitary self-fulfilling sexual gratification that involves his imagination with the possibility of pornography and even affairs.  The wives then interpret their husband no longer initiating and asking to mean they do not love them, and this leads to the wife also doing self-fulfilling sexual gratification and sometimes affairs.  

God gave women the gift of enhanced emotional thought processes, where the negative aspect with this gift is wives will try to assign blame of a poor or absent sexual fulfilling marriage on their husband.  Of course there are all types of scenarios, but the overwhelming cause of the problem, according to research recourses, is usually the wives.   (This is explained earlier in this topic.)

On the rare side of problems, if a wife gets no response from her initiating then there is a possibility that her husband has found other choices for his sexual needs that has replaced his wife, which should be an alarm warning for the wife to consider.

A wife can state that it cannot be their fault if there is no desire because of hormonal imbalances, stress and lack of sleep, but older women will state that the problem was her own lack of balance and planning, routine exercise, eating correctly.  Older women realized that whenever they did have sexual experiences in the past, when there was no initial desire, the desire did come after foreplay that the younger wife should have realized on a routine basis. 

One of this author's best friends stated to me at age 35 that he can't figure it out.  If his wife would just have sex routinely, then she could have absolutely everything she ever want that he could provide.  This same friend is now 62 years old, and after numerous health problems, is unable to have sex anymore and he says his wife now wants to have sex almost daily with little hints of hope routinely given that involves his service without reciprocation as it can't be received, where he says it just makes him angry and he can't say anything.  He also believe she is now having an affair.

An interesting video blog from the year 2023, has the woman "Pearl" explaining the reason husbands have affairs is because wives "do not treat their husband like a man" with complaining, disrespect and no sex.  She adds that the wife must take responsibility that part of problem of her husband having an affair is because of her, and why does she care since she is not having sex with her husband.  This author agrees with the possibility, but her assessment requires a little more explanation.  If a woman is:

then that will have the dual affect of:

  1. Having the husband be less desirable in a sexual intimacy desire by his wife.  
  2. Having the husband not even want to have sexual intimacy with the wife.

Pearl, in her blog, also states no matter what is going on, the husband should not cheat (have an affair) on his wife.  This author absolutely agrees.  Women need to also understand that if their husband is not having an affair then he is forced into self gratification which involves his imagination or pornography, with thoughts of other women.  A wife should want her husband's sexual intimacy desires to be focused on her.

Teaching from Sinful Actions of Others

This male author, having been the victim of an adulterous spouse, went through a very painful period of many years that:

Note that my ex-wife was and is a Christian, where we all should know that Jesus Christ paid for our sins to be with God in Eternity and sins on Earth are judged by God with Grace and Mercy that still have consequences for negative sowing and reaping, especially for adultery.  It is amazing how often I have heard the excuses that professing Christian women and men say that they try to exonerate their actions in Adultery.

This author has never committed adultery and never will.  The scriptures are replete with promises of God delivering all of us through horrible times that include being victims of adultery, that also include adulterers who finally stop adultery so that God can resume in blessing their lives.

Psalm 34:19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

During the painful period, this author read over a dozen books on

The knowledge through the experience has had God lead me to help many others that were victims and the adulterers.  Adulterers are still loved by God and repenting, which involves restitution when possible is part of God resuming His blessing in an adulterer's life.  Absolutely, the Christian should know that adultery is:

This section in "the wife's responsibility" topic is about applying sexual understanding that for some women (and men) can only be learned from understanding failures in other marriages.  This author used the knowledge, in the my second marriage, to add important sexual understanding in fulfillment that is supposed to be in a marriage. 

There are points for women in understanding that a rewarding sexual marriage can be achieved.  The failures of other adulterous women, along with the men, can have a benefit in understanding the correct nature that should be happening in a Christian Marriage. 

Note that this author believes adultery is more prevalent in the Christian professing marriages because Christians are the targets of the Satanic Forces that want to destroy and discredit a Godly marriage, and many Christians think they can sin freely as Jesus Christ will simply forgive without consequences (forgive yes but consequences will happen). 

Often there is either the man or the woman in a Christian Marriage that is more stronger in living a Christian life, so the Satanic Forces in the world will bring people into the weaker of the marriage partners to be tempted with exactly what the weaker spouse desires.  Absolutely all of us will be tempted in life in all areas of marriage, business, parenting, friendships, and all obligations.

These are some sexual points with adultery that are often lacking in an overwhelming number of Christian marriages:

  1. When the adulterous woman arrives at a location that sexual encounters always occur, the adulterous man has complete confidence in knowing sex will occur where the adulterous man will experiment, tease and prolong sex to give the fullest sexual climaxes for the woman and himself.
  2. An adulterous woman will prepare her body every time for known sexual encounters.  In between the encounters, the woman will exercise and diet more to be more physically attractive.  The woman also spends more time on cosmetics, hair, fingernail polish and perfumes to add to her attractiveness.
  3. An adulterous woman will surrender her body in every area for the adulterous man to explore, where the excitement in anticipation is knowing she is not vulnerable because she always has her husband to provide love and reassurance if the adulterous man rejects her.
  4. An adulterous woman will take the guidance from the adulterous man to perform sexual stimulation in any area the adulterous man desires which will stimulate the adulterous woman in knowing she has sexual power in the adultery.
  5. The sexual excitement between the two adulterers, at all encounters, are very sexually stimulating experiences because everything is new and has no known boundaries. 
  6. The sexual boundaries are often completely gone in an adulterous couple because they are desiring more new experiences that are not present in their marriages. 
  7. The sexual encounters are sometimes for quick rendezvous that do not have time for a longer sexual encounter, but the quick rendezvous temporarily relieves sexual desires and also reinforces the desires for longer future encounters.

This author would state that most likely it is difficult for women and men reading these seven previous points to not become a little sexually stimulated and desirous for this type of sexual fulfillment in a marriage. 

The question to ask ourselves is why isn't the seven points not most likely happening in our marriages?  Can adultery teach us positively about sex? 

The answer is the seven sexual stimulating points of the adultery are supposed to be in all our marriages, where Satanic Forces are using positive attributes that God gave us for our marriage to be used in an deceptive evil way to hurt and destroy many people, besides the adulterers, through adultery.

What to read next?

See Dating and Dating Sites.  Friendships between women and other women.  For the family in crisis Adultery & Cheating - Affairs & Divorce & Relational breakups and for the importance of Christ in our employment Abuse of Power   Hope for an old relationship from the past: 60 Year Love Story